Iranian Nukes

Americans are increasingly exasperated over how the White House is handling Iran’s recent disclosure of a second nuclear enrichment facility. The frustration, though, comes not from questions of sanctions on Iran’s oil supplies, nor the Obama administration’s willingness to negotiate without preconditions.

“Let’s look at the recipe,” New York cabbie Raji Rawl, expressing the sentiments of numerous Americans, began. “A Middle Eastern Country with a madman for a leader, weapons of mass destruction, and a nation whose first three letters are IRA… where have I heard that one before?”

“I understand that the Bush administration started this script,” Boise homemaker Dana Jenkins explained, “but I expected a little less laziness from the Obama administration when it came to fabricated pretenses for pre-emptive strikes. I mean, c’mon. Where’s Iran getting their enriched uranium? Niger?”

“Don’t misunderstand us,” Mitch Reynolds, mechanic in Lansing Michigan, explained. “The whole WMD’s was a brilliant pretense for an unnecessary quagmire in Iraq, and Saddam Hussein made for a great megalomaniacal adversary for Bush, especially with the father / son Bush war motif. But it feels clichéd the second time around.”

“If my son has to die in our nation’s third Middle Eastern war, can we at least get a little originality in the false pretense for the invasion?” Karen McGregor, a secretary in Pheonix, grumbled. “How about a eugenics project to produce super soldiers? Or perhaps the country has acquired some extra-terrestrial technology that they plan to use to enslave America? If the president would just put half the effort into overextending our military as he has for getting the 2016 Olympics to Chicago, I might be willing to succumb to the war fever.”

Not every comment about how the administration was handling the Iranian issue was critical, though. Stanley Brelworth, a stockbroker from Virginia, complimented the administration on one point: "At least this time they're up front in saying the country currently has no WMDs. I don't want to relive IAEA inspectors again informing us that our intelligence was wrong."

Still, most Americans agree that they will support the war, false pretenses and all, as long as our military is there to win, we have a good exit strategy in place, and we don’t have to see the Iranian civilian casualties.

The Truth About Health Care

Insiders in the White House have disclosed that health care reform is nothing more than a red herring for the Obama administration.

“Public option, health care mandate, coverage for illegals, death panels -- the president doesn’t give a rip,” one informant, who asked to remain anonymous, told us while sitting in his Chief of Staff’s office. “The president is just trying to distract America for the greatest threat to our liberty in this country.”

Is the threat the recession? Is it the recently leaked report about the conditions in Afghanistan? Is it the threat of a trade war with China? Is it the president's policies?

No.

The greatest threat facing America is Obama’s graying hair.

President Obama, who won the 2008 election largely on his charisma, fears that any notice of his graying hair will lead to a dramatic reduction in his pole numbers.

“Barack noticed how President Bush’s approval ratings plummeted the grayer his hair got, and he vowed not to suffer the same fate,” another anonymous informant replied while helping her daughters Sasha and Malia with their homework.

The president also had the example of Joe Biden, whose hair plugs were a constant butt of jokes during the 2008 election season.

“Biden’s hair plugs cost the Democrats 1,000,000 votes in November.”

The president originally took action to distract the public the moment he saw these articles appear about it on the internet:

http://news.aol.com/main/obama-presidency/article/obama-gray-hair-showing/371134
http://www.livescience.com/health/090305-obama-gray-hair.html
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-talk_hairdec23,0,800543.story

For the time being, ObamaCare has sidetracked the public from the President’s grays. The next step for the President is to dye his hair black again. Such a radical reversal in hair color will be much more jarring than the original graying, and will demand an even greater distraction than angry town halls and Tea Parties.

So what will that distraction be?

“Nothing distracts from dyed hair quite like Iranian nuke sites!” An anonymous informant responded from the Vice President’s office.

NEWSPAPER BAILOUT

First came Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac; next came the banking industry; then came the auto industry; and now, it’s the newspaper industry.

With sales and advertising money sagging due to the recession, President Obama told newspaper executives on Friday that he’d be happy to look into a bailout for their papers. That weekend, as the controversy raged over yet another government bailout, the President signed legislation rescuing the first news agency.

We at the Politically Incorrect Party are proud to announce that our blog is the first to receive a bailout from the Obama administration!

President Obama’s historic and brave action to bail out this blog is yet another example of his decisive, transformational approach to leading our nation. Just as he is wisely leading America to reduce the costs of health care against the corrupt, racist opponents to reform, so has he bailed out the newspaper industry.

Some on the radical fringe have argued that if the recession has really turned around, with green shoots evident in the economy, a bailout of the newspaper industry is unnecessary. Such kooks clearly are the diehard ditto heads of talk radio, whose attacks on the Obama administration will be silenced by the fairness doctrine.

Obama towers above his critics like Moses on Mt. Sinai with the ten commandments, his face radiating from being in the presence of God. Like Jesus Christ, Obama was a community organizer who says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and gentle in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Yes, many critics complain about this bailout now, but how will they feel when they’re the ones on the other end of the bailout?

(The Politically Incorrect Party would like to thank Obama appointed Newspaper Czar Stephanie Boyd for her thorough edit and rewrite of this post)

Obama Media Blitz

T.V. viewers have been bombarded with President Obama’s health care message since Sunday morning, when the president appeared on five talk shows to promote reform. Following that media blitzkrieg, the president today appeared on the David Letterman show to continue his push on health care.

Many viewers have been left flabbergasted by the exposure the president is getting in the media.

“Every channel I flip to, there’s the president!” Dennis McNearny, a retired dentist in Florida, complained.

The White House responded that such statements are a gross exaggeration, but upon closer scrutiny, these complaints proved valid.

Maggie Davenport, a homemaker in Baltimore, was startled when she turned on the Food Network to not only not find Rachel Ray hosting, but to instead find President Obama hosting.

“Today I’m going to teach you how to make reduced health care costs through congressional

reform bills,” the President, wearing a chef’s hat and a ‘kiss the cook’ apron, announced.

Toddlers were equally befuddled when the president appeared on Sesame Street with his arm around Cookie Monster, singing “‘H’ is for healthcare, it’s good enough for me!”

And if one hoped to escape from the president in re-runs, that too could not happen. During the introduction to an episode of the Brady Bunch, President Obama appeared in the box usually reserved for Alice. And in the introductory song to Gilligan’s Island, President Obama’s name was inserted: ‘Gilligan; the Skipper too; the millionaire, and his wife; the movie star; the professor and Barack Obama! Here, on Gilligan’s Island!’

“I especially found it disturbing when the president entered Al’s diner in a leather jacket on ‘Happy Days’ and said ‘Heeeeyyy!!!’” Max Angler, an engineer from New Jersey, complained.

Probably the most egregious use of presidential power came when the president interrupted the game between the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Giants Sunday evening with his own broadcast from the White House.

“I’m president Barack Obama. If you don’t get behind my health care reform bill, I won’t let you watch your precious football game.” The president then opened a copy of ‘War and Peace’ and read from it for the remainder of the game, much to the chagrin of football fans everywhere. After the game had officially ended, the president came inches away from the camera lens and whispered, “I’ll see you next Sunday. I’m a man of my word!”

Planned Parenthood Rejects Single Payer

Planned Parenthood, the nation’s number one abortion provider, released a statement this afternoon against the public option in the current health care reform debate. The stance came as a surprise to the White House, as the president has been a strong advocate for a woman’s right to choose.

In the statement, Planned Parenthood wrote: “The public option is merely a gateway to single payer, government run health care. As countries with government run health care can attest, the result is often rationing and delaying procedures for up to a year or more. In the case of abortion, where the procedure has a mere nine month window to occur, such a delay can be deadly.” An odd amount of scribble then occurred on the release, finally followed with these words. “Deadly to the woman’s right to choose, that is, not the fetus.” More scribble followed, along with, “Okay, maybe ‘deadly’ is not the best choice of words.”

In the statement, Planned Parenthood quoted Margaret Hannon, a working class woman in Liverpool. “When I was pregnant with me first, young Lizzy, I was placed on the government’s waiting list, and they told me I’d have to wait two years. Thankfully, me two years ends in six weeks, and I’m three months pregnant with me second.”

In a related story, a thirteen year old is on a waiting list for an abortion in France. Though not actually pregnant, she finds it reassuring to know that if she is pregnant when the four year wait is up, she’s registered for the procedure. “None of the boys are interested in me now, but when I finish puberty, my braces come off, and my acne clears up, it’s nice to know I’ll have that safety net.”

The environmental lobby also joined with Planned Parenthood by releasing a statement against the public option. “With the current crisis in Global Warming, every extra human increases our nation’s carbon footprint. Therefore, the protection of a woman’s right to choose is essential for the survival of humanity.”

President Obama was quick to respond to these concerns. “The public option will not place the undo burden of an extended wait on pregnant women. It is the top priority of this administration to make sure every abortion is performed in a timely manner.”

Nevertheless, citizens remain frightened. Meghan Flanders, of Portland Oregon, said: “We need a guarantee that even if the wait extends beyond the time of the pregnancy, the termination will still take place.”

Julie Longshire of London is currently in that fight. Pregnant six years ago and placed on a two year waiting list for an abortion, she battles the British court system for the right to terminate her five year-old son, Baxter. In a related story, police have a manhunt in place after Baxter ran away from home two weeks ago.

Once again, the President reassured Planned Parenthood with this statement: “The Republicans frightened the elderly to the public option with baseless threats of death panels. Our death panels are not in place for the elderly; they’re in place for those who have not yet been born. Take comfort; health care reform will give a whole new definition to the phrase ‘no child left behind’.”

THE RACIST CARD

Former President Jimmy Carter is just the latest in a slew of politicians calling opponents of the policies of President Obama racist. Earlier in the week, columnist Maureen Dowd claimed that Rep. Joe Wilson’s comment “You lie!” had an unspoken racist word at the end of it -- “boy!”, while celebrity Janeane Garafolo, Cuban Prime Minister Fidel Castro, and Rep. Diane Watson also called those who opposed the President’s policies racist.

And they were all left befuddled when, in what was supposed to be an off-the-record remark, the president stated: “Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe a more free market approach to health care is the best way to go.”

“Technically, what the president is doing is disagreeing with himself,” Political Analyst Jasmine Reynolds explained. “And since disagreeing with the president has been deemed racist, the president himself is, by default, racist.”

“The President is not a racist,” Racial historian J.P. Blenworth responded. “All it means is that the tables are turned. The Republicans now cease to be racist, while the democrats have become the party of hate.”

Others vehemently disagree with calling the president racist. “The president is black; he technically cannot be racist,” Obama Campaign manager U.G. Weathers said. “By definition, he’s an Uncle Tom.”

Others, though, point out that the President is half white. “His white half is racist against his black half. Technically, he’s half racist,” Ms. Reynolds clarified.

The president’s comments have led to riots in Los Angeles to a degree unseen since the Rodney King beating.

“We know someone’s a racist!” rioter Desmond Lewis yelled as he threw a Molatov Cocktail at a Korean convenience store.

Experts agree that the only solution to ease the racial tensions is another beer summit. No one, though, is quite sure who should participate in this summit.

CHRIST ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY IN 2012

The first challenger to President Obama in 2012 has stepped forward to announce his candidacy: Jesus Christ.

In a press conference at Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church in California, Christ, dressed in a suit and tie, explained that he felt called to run when President Obama announced during his European tour that America was not a Christian nation.

A New York Times reporter asked if America would be a Christian nation under a Jesus presidency, and then immediately fell into an embarrassed silence at the abject stupidity of his question.

Even more shocking, Jesus announced that he would not be running for either of the big two’s political parties.

“Even though I rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, the mascot of the democratic party, I refuse to run under the democratic party platform. And even though I am seated at the right hand of God the Father, I will not be the pawn of the right.”

Many have expressed concerns about Christ’s unwillingness to run for either of the two main political parties.

“He’s my Lord and Savior,” Pastor John Hagee of Cornerstone Church announced, “but I can’t waste my vote on a third party candidate.”

The ACLU immediately filed a lawsuit against Christ’s candidacy, claiming that it was a violation of the Separation of Church and State. They have also expressed concerns that he would seek to insert displays of the Ten Commandments on courthouse grounds.

Legal experts agree that the courts will come out in Christ’s favor, mainly out of a fear of eternal judgment if they do otherwise.

Other critics have protested that Christ is not a resident of the United States, demanding to see his birth certificate. Jesus himself agrees that he was not physically born in the United States, but he makes a compelling argument for why that fact is irrelevant:

“I was born almost 1800 years before the founding of America.”

Jesus took the opportunity afforded by the press conference to clearly distinguish himself from the Obama presidency.

“President Obama talks about reform for the out-of-control health care expenses, while I have healed the sick and raised the dead. President Obama wants to see families fed, while I have fed five thousand with a few fish and a couple loaves of bread. President Obama is trying to pass a cap-and-trade bill in a desperate attempt to control the weather and stop global warming, while I have effortlessly calmed storms. President Obama’s motto is ‘Yes we can!’ Mine is ‘It is finished!’”

Though Christ is known for his honesty and integrity, many fear that he will be corrupted by Washington politics. At the press conference, Christ reassured his critics: “I withstood temptation by Satan himself in the wilderness after forty days of fasting; I think I can handle the lobbyists and special interest groups.”

Christ ended his press conference with these words: “When you find yourself in the voting booth on November 2012, ask yourself: ‘WWJD? What Would Jesus Do?’

LIMBAUGH HOSPITALIZATION

Conservative Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized early this morning from a nervous breakdown triggered when he discovered he actually agreed with President Obama on something.

Insiders say the rare intersection of agreement came when President Obama, in an off-handed comment, admitted to liking the occasional cigar.

“Limbaugh, a cigar afficianado, knew the President liked an occasional cigarette,” Conservative host Sean Hannity, whose talk show differs not one iota from Limbaugh’s on any issue, explained. “But when he discovered the president liked cigars… that was just too much.”

Limbaugh issued a press statement from his hospital bed:

“The Messiah has reached a new low in the Saul Alinsky ‘Rules For Radicals’ playbook. You see, this is what these liberals do. They try to make themselves come across as normal, blue collar guys, with their beer summits and cigar lounges. They get you to lower your guard, and when you do, they shove socialist style healthcare down your throat!”

“It was easy for Rush to disagree with Obama when he first came in to office,” Hannity explained, “with the $700 billion dollar porkulous that no one had time to read, cap-and-tax, and the GM takeover. But lately he’s been doing things that are hard to disagree with. He encouraged students to study hard in schools, and he wanted to make 9/11 a day of community service. But Rush found a way to disagree with these actions.”

In fact, Limbaugh pointed out that the prefix to the word ‘community’ in Obama’s 9/11 plan -- commun -- is also the prefix on the word ‘communism’. Limbaugh also pointed out that Obama’s speech was given to a socialist education system.

“You don’t see Obama giving speeches to encourage capitalist, free enterprise institutions like talk radio,” Limbaugh had announced earlier in the week.

Limbaugh was on the verge of being released this evening when he had a relapse triggered by the president admitting he had a sweet tooth for Cinnabons.

STUDENTS BRAINWASHED BY OBAMA'S SPEECH

President Obama’s speech to students, coinciding with the first day of school, lacked the partisan rhetoric many feared in the volatile political climate. Instead, the president focused on encouraging students to work hard and make a positive contribution to society. After the speech, concerned parents expressed reassurance that the president had left politics out of the talk.

But then the students returned to school the next day.

The first sign things were wrong manifested when an entire class, during the Pledge of Allegiance, proclaimed that America was “One nation, under Obama.”

Later, during a kindergarten lesson on sharing, a student echoed his approval of the lesson by shouting: “Spread the wealth around!”

That afternoon, in a middle school in California, a sixth grader burst out: “The public option is NOT a single payer system”. Later that day, upon seeing a picture of John McCain during a lesson on the 2008 Presidential election, the students in unison yelled out “McBush!” and “We don’t want four more years of the last eight years!”

The most egregious example, though, came from an elementary school in Massachusetts, where children at an assembly broke out into the following song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTBq_ybkBmI&feature=related“It’s like the Village of the Damned,” a frustrated high school math teacher grumbled. “All they do is yell ‘Yes we can!’”

Administrators and parents, racing to find the source of the brainwashing from the president’s superficially innocuous speech, discovered that when the speech was played backwards, demonic hidden messages were audible.

“If you reverse the speech at the ten minute mark,” School Superintendent Barbara Levine announced, “You can make out a rant that sounds like ‘the US of the KKK!’ Earlier, at the four minute mark, you can hear the words ‘Nah! Nah! Nah! Not God bless America, but God ---- America!”

Many students have even begun to show signs of addiction since the speech on Tuesday. When required to do homework in computer lab, the students instead did hits of Obama’s speeches on Youtube. Though most professors find Obama’s speeches harmless, many fear that it could serve as a gateway speech to harder speeches from Nancy Pelosi or Barney Frank.

“I miss the good old days when students were just sexting,” Professor Craig Beasley moaned.

Jackson's Death Distracts From Scandal

The coverage of Michael Jackson’s death and funeral has overwhelmed all other news stories for the last several weeks, leaving one recently scandalized politician very grateful. In fact, the press has been so narrowly focused on Michael Jackson that many people have forgotten about the scandal entirely.

The politician -- I believe he was a Senator, but he may have been a mayor or governor -- had just been exposed in a sex scandal. The scandal, involving -- oh crap, I think it he slept with his videographer while his wife’s cancer was in remission, but he might have had a South American mistress or gotten impeached after sleeping with a White House intern -- anyway, the scandal threatened to ruin his political career.

But with the announcement of the Jackson’s death immediately after the scandal broke, the residents of South Carolina -- wait, was it Georgia? It was definitely one of those Southern states -- I think… anyway, the residents got so distracted that it saved the politician’s career. At least I think it did. I honestly haven’t been paying attention.

With interest in Jackson’s death waning, the opposition party hopes the politician -- dang it, what was his name? He had the same last name as a family in a black sitcom. He wasn’t a Huxtable, of that I’m sure. He may have been named after the Jeffersons or Sanford and Son -- anyway, now that Jackson’s not front page news, the opposition party plans to remind everyone of the scandal with the following statem…

This just in. Michael Jackson’s hometown of Gary Indiana held a memorial for the pop icon featuring performers singing and dancing to his hits.

President Obama's Breakdown

(from June 3rd) President Obama was carted away from the White House in a straight jacket this morning after a mental breakdown caused him to leave the Oval Office in shambles.

The breakdown began as he left page upon page of writing scattered across the Oval Office floor with the words: “All work and no play makes Barack a dull boy.” Moments later, he attacked daughters Malia and Sasha in the West Wing, slamming through the door with an ax, as he yelled: “Here’s Johnny!!” Secret Service agents immediately restrained the President before he could do any physical damage to his daughters.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs held a press conference mere hours after the President’s arrest to shed light on his breakdown.

“President Obama snapped under the considerable pressure to make sure everything he does is ‘historic’.”

Gibbs then went on to list the several ways in which his campaign had been historic.

--He was historic as the first African American Democratic primary candidate who wasn’t a Reverend.

--He ran an historic campaign against Hillary Clinton, who was vying to be the first woman President.

--He had an historic, come-from-behind victory against Clinton.

--He gave an historic speech on race at the Constitution Center in Philadelphia.

--He was historic as the first General Election African American candidate for presidency.

--He ran an historic campaign against John McCain, with an historic message of ‘hope and change.’

--He held an historic inauguration after taking an historic train trip from Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station to Washington DC.

“President Obama, seeking to fulfill the momentum of his campaign, has faced considerable pressure to make every decision based on what would be the most ‘historic’.”

Gibbs then listed the several ‘historic’ activities of his Presidency.

-- He traveled to the historic G20 summit.

--He passed an historic $800 billion dollar stimulus bill.

--He made an historic agreement with the medical industry to lower medical costs.

--He made the historic choice to choose the first Hispanic woman for the US Supreme Court.

--If not for the breakdown, he would have left on an historic trip to Egypt today.

Gibbs continued: “The US economy really only needed a $500 billion stimulus bill, but that was far less than President Bush’s $700 Billion TARP bailout. President Obama, therefore, demanded a pricetag that would be historic -- $800 billion.”

Gibbs also sited another example. “The President’s administration had planned to balance the budget in 2010, but President Clinton had already done that in the 90’s. President Obama therefore decided to run up an historic 1.8 trillion dollar deficit instead.”

Gibbs said it was this pressure, to make everything historic, that had caused Obama to snap, even though the press did everything it could to prop up his presidency as ‘historic’.

--(New York Times) President Obama wears an historic necktie.

--(USA Today) President Obama’s nap historic.

--(LA Times) President Obama gets historic haircut.

--(Washington Post) President Obama takes historic mid-briefing bathroom break.

Gibbs concluded his speech with these words: “The stress the President felt really only necesitated a five minute break from Presidential duties. Still, if he was going to have a breakdown, he needed to make it historic.”

White male Supreme Court Justices react to Sotomayor

(From May 31) Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, President Obama’s pick to replace David Souter, has faced harsh criticism from Republicans for her 2001 comment: “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences, would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.”

One group whose opinion has been ignored is that of the six white male Justices whom she will be joining on the Supreme Court. But insiders tell us the Justices have not been silent, and they are fuming.

“It’s a good thing I’m retiring,” Justice David Souter sarcastically replied, “since her rich Latina experiences are so much more proficient for these cases than my deficient white male experiences.”

A law clerk for David Souter admitted to the press that the Justice is considering withdrawing his retirement just to spite Sotomayor.

Chief Justice John Roberts has been equally sarcastic. “I can see how she might think a Latina woman is more competent at interpreting the Constitution, a document written by white males, than a white male would be. I might also add that Latina women are better at interpreting the Torah than Jewish men.”

Justice Samuel Alito, meanwhile, added: “It must be because we don’t have her rich female Latina experiences that we don’t understand, like she does, that the states aren’t obligated to protect 2nd Amendment rights.”

Clarence Thomas, the token African American on the court, was not nearly as harsh. “Note that she specified it was only a WHITE male, and not a black male, to whom a Latina woman was superior.” Justice Thomas then turned to one of his law clerks and bumped fists with him.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg, currently the only woman on the Supreme Court, was not as pleased with Sotomayor’s comments. “Why did she have to specify a LATINA woman? Why couldn’t she just say a woman in general? What does that make me? The dumbest person on the Supreme Court?”

In response to the criticisms of her future white male colleagues, Sotomayor has replied: “It is unfortunate that these Justices are misinterpreting my statement and taking it out of its original context. But what more can you expect from white males and the poverty of their experiences?”

65% of Americans think news articles rely too heavily on opinion polls

(From May 8th) In a recent opinion poll, 65% percent of Americans think news articles rely on too many opinion polls for their articles.

“Americans are stupid,” Doug WyCliff, an out of work auto mechanic, responded. “Why does it matter what a certain percentage of Americans think?”

48% of Americans agreed with WyCliff’s sentiment, while only 32% disagreed, 15% said some Americans were stupid and others weren’t, 3% found it amusing that WyCliff, an American, was calling himself stupid, and 2% were too stupid to make a decision on this question.

When asked why they think newspaper articles rely on too many opinion polls, 53% said the news writers were lazy, 28% said there was nothing interesting to write about, 14% responded that the newspapers wanted to reveal how stupid Americans were, while 5% refused to answer as not to enable news writers in their addiction to opinion polls.

“We need to realize that we are the cause of these opinion polls,” Beverly Sanders, a homemaker in New Orleans, replied. “We want to have our opinions heard, thus cultivating an entire news culture of opinion polls.”

73% of those polled said they are boycotting opinion polls, while only 22% said they will eagerly continue to be polled.

When the 73% asked what their main motivation for boycotting opinion polls were, 36% said it was a waste of their time, 24% complained that people base their opinions too heavily on what opinion polls say the majority of Americans think, 23% said they wanted to read something more substantive, like approval ratings, and 17% responded, “Oh crap! You tricked me into answering an opinion poll.”

White House Declares War on Mexico

(May 1)In an effort to stimulate the economy, President Obama has decided to expand the Iraqi and Afghanistani wars into Mexico.

“We have learned the lessons of the Great Depression,” President Obama announced at a press conference commemorating his hundredth day in office. “It was World War II--with its wars in Japan, Europe, and Africa--that bolstered the US economy out of the Great Depression.

“Many have questioned whether the United States should continue its wars with Afghanistan and Iraq while our nation is strapped for cash, but all economists agree that is the exact opposite of what we must do. World War II involved wars on three fronts, and our current wars are only on two fronts--hence the recession.”

The President decided on Mexico because of the current swine flu epidemic which originated there, as well as the recent violence between the drug cartels. “My spiritual advisors have informed me that the Mexican Government formed the swine flu as a genocide program against blacks, and America will not sit still for this!”

The President pointed out that expanding wars create immediate access to jobs for Americans, relieving the country of the 8.5% unemployment rate. “It will take at least two million Americans to secure Mexico. That means two million new jobs for struggling Americans.”

The President announced that to achieve the two million number for the Mexican campaign, the draft would have to be reinstated. No one dared ask the question why, if Americans were so desperate for work, a draft was necessary.

The President also pointed out the career advancement opportunities that come with military action, as quite often those in higher positions can get killed by an improvised explosive device, leaving an opening for the soldier below.

“Wars also create jobs in the private sector, as companies are hired to build tanks, trucks, fighters, and other vehicles for our military to conquer.”

The president has also vowed that the federal government will mandate that these companies produce environmentally friendly vehicles.

“By lessening the thickness of the armor on our tanks, less fuel is needed, thus reducing greenhouse emissions,” The president explained. “By the sixth year of our impending Mexican quagmire, our tanks will run exclusively on ethanol! And by the anticipated end of the Mexican campaign, the US military will have been refitted to be the greenest on the planet.”

To pay for this massive spending project, the president announced a raise on the income tax of those making over $250,000 from his proposed forty percent to an astronomical eighty percent. “Nobody likes to pay taxes, but the rich need to pay their fair share. We need to spread the wealth around.”

Many fear that the Mexican campaign could last much longer than the President’s implied six years. “With the government’s current bailout mentality,” Rep. Ron Paul warns, “the President may continue indefinitely with these wars simply to justify the continued existence of the military jobs it produces, as well as the private sector jobs that produce our military vehicles.”

65% of Americans approve of the President's plan to invade Mexico.

"President Bush spread democracy throughout the Middle East," Dave Nabors, a retired auto mechanic replied. "Now President Obama will spread hope and change throughout North America."

"With our economy the way it is, the President can't just sit around and do nothing," Maggie Roberts added.

When asked what he would do if the Mexican campaign could not stimulate the US economy out of its current recession, President Obama responded: "Invade Canada."

President Obama: US not at war with Islam, but...

During a speech in Istanbul last week, President Obama proclaimed to his Turkish audience that America is not now, nor will it ever be, at war with Islam.

After the cheers died down, President Obama then added: “But if we were, we’d nuke Mecca.”

The audience then spent the next ten minutes in stunned silence as President Obama supplemented this statement.

“Mecca is the Muslim holy city, and visiting it is one of Islam’s five pillars. With its annihilation, Islam would be a mere shell of its former self, containing a scant four pillars--unless Muslims wanted to visit a desolate, radioactive Meccan wasteland in a hazmat suit instead of in their beloved bhurkas.”

Not satisfied with merely offending the entire Muslim world, President Obama continued: “Nuking Mecca would be the equivalent for Islam of assassinating Pope Benedict XVI for Roman Catholics--with whom we are also not at war.”

President Obama then went on to explain why America was not at war with Islam by admitting that the United States is not a Christian nation.

The Christian community in America immediately responded with outrage.

“How can President Obama say we are not a Christian nation,” Pastor John Hagee of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas, fumed. “Has he not read Exodus 20, where Moses, on Mount Sinai, receives from the finger of God the Ten Amendments?”

President Obama, anticipating such a criticism, augmented his statement with these words: “We are not Crusaders in America, unjustly attacking Muslims because of their unprovoked conquest of the Christian city Constantinople in 1453. No, we are not a Christian nation--we’re a nation of Scientologists!”

The president then went on to explain how Scientologist beliefs undergirded America.

“Every American yearns to escape the cycle of birth and death; to transcend matter, energy, space, and time as the immortal thetan spirits.” The president then pulled out a handkerchief and wiped tears from his eyes as he continued. “I remember when I was a pre-clear, how my auditor helped free me of the numerous engrams from my prebirth. Now that I am an operating thetan, my desire is to see Muslims, Christians, Catholics, and Hindus cleared of all their engrams so they will not, at their deaths, end up on the landing station on Venus before their re-implantation.”

President Obama became very animated as his speech continued. “Yes, there are Muslims like Osama Bin Laden, who are no better than Xenu, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, who killed billions of people with a hydrogen bomb 75 million years ago--but we are not to impute the sins of Muslims like Bin Laden to the rest of the Islamic world.”

President Obama then concluded his speech with these words: “But if we did, we’d nuke Mecca.”

President Obama Dresses in Drag for Bailout Money

(From April 3rd) LONDON -- As President Obama seeks to rally support for investing in US treasury bonds at the G-20 conference this week, the world leaders are responding with some unusual demands.

“With the passage of the 2010 budget in Congress with a deficit of between 1 and 2 trillion dollars, the only way these expenses can be met is by having foreign countries bail us out,” economist Peter Kramer explained. “But in this current global economic crisis, and with near universal skepticism over America’s ability to pay back its debt, these world leaders have placed stringent demands on the President for the bailout money.”


Japan has chosen to cash in on the President’s worldwide popularity by forcing him to be a spokesman for ‘Vaam’ energy drink. Not only must the president be seen holding a bottle of the caffeine, taurine, and nicotine saturated drink in all public appearances, but the Presidential limo and Air Force One have been re-detailed to have the ‘Vaam’ bottle advertised on it.


The President is also required to promote the energy drink at all press conferences. His first plug came during a speech at the G-20.


“As President of the United States, I will work tirelessly to lead America out of this economic crisis.” Then, taking a step forward and looking directly into the camera, the president continued: “But how can I work tirelessly, some may ask? I can do it because I drink ‘Vaam’ energy drink.” The president then opened a bottle of ‘Vaam’ and began chugging it as Geishas, Sumo Wrestlers, and Samurai performed choreographed dance moves as they sang the ‘Vaam’ theme song.


OPEC leaders, on the other hand, have demanded that President Obama perform increasingly embarrassing pranks as his payment for their bailout money.


“At first they demanded small things, such as allowing Joe Biden to give public speeches and demanding the President ridicule the Special Olympics on the David Letterman show,” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced. “But in recent days, their demands have become increasingly outlandish.”


OPEC leaders, for example, ordered President Obama to dress as a woman for the entirety of Wednesday’s G-20 summit.


“This almost led to universal humiliation for the President with the world press,” Gibbs continued.


The President avoided detection that day by putting on a pink dress and going as his wife, while Michelle Obama shaved her head, put on a black suit, and went as the president. “No one noticed the difference,” Gibbs explained.


The OPEC leaders, furious that President Obama outsmarted them, retaliated by ordering President Obama to streak through Buckingham Palace.


After the Secret Service cleared Buckingham Palace of all press and photographers, President Obama frolicked through the palace in stag to the theme music from the Austin Powers movies.


“The Queen, unaware of the OPEC dare, interpreted the event as the President atoning for his lame ipod gift.”


The Chinese, as the largest foreign holder of US debt, have been the least forgiving in bailing out President Obama’s deficits. Besides Taiwan, the Chinese have demanded:


--That President Obama work for $1 a year until he gets the economy out of the red.
--That any bonuses paid to government employees be taxed at 100%.
--That a salary cap of $40,000 be placed on all members of the three branches of government.


THIS JUST IN:


The Chinese, outraged by the trillion dollar deficit in the 2010 budget, have fired President Obama and demanded Congress rewrite it or they will let the US government go bankrupt.

White House Puts Cap and Trade on Breathing

(From March 31) In an effort to reduce the greenhouse gas CO2, the main culprit in global warming, President Obama announced today that he would be setting up a cap and trade on breathing.

"Scientists have demonstrated the disastrous effects that carbon dioxide produces on the Earth's temperature, and we must seek out every way to reduce the emission of CO2, including breathing," the President announced without removing his eyes from his teleprompter.

The Environmental Protection Agency recently denounced the human lung as a greenhouse gas producing super-smokestack because of its ability to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.

"We shouldn't be talking about carbon footprints,” Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa Jackson replied, “We should be talking about carbon breathprints.”

Vice President Joe Biden added that the negative effects of the carbon emissions of our lungs are worse than secondhand smoke.

The White House announced today that starting on March 18, 2010, Americans will need emissions permits for every ton of CO2 their lungs release into the atmosphere, with an enforceable limit to the amount of breathing each American can do.

“Obviously athletes emit more greenhouse gases than your run-of-the-mill couch potato,” President Obama explained. “That’s where the cap and trade aspect comes into play. The couch potato can sell his extra permits so the athlete can continue in his profession.”

Hours after the speech, protesters at UCLA picketed a track and field event, angrily yelling that the athletes were destructive polluters of the environment. The picket came to a sudden halt when one of the athletes pointed out the amount of greenhouse emissions the protestors were releasing by their tirade.

MI-6 Filled With Playboys, Audit Concludes

(From March 21st) MI-6 faces harsh scrutiny after a Parliamentary audit found that her majesty’s secret service has been living the high life on the taxpayer pound.

The audit, ordered on all government agencies by Prime Minister Gordon Brown, was an effort to streamline the budget in the wake of the economic downturn. A mere week after Brown gave the green light, the auditing committee uncovered many red flags in the MI-6 budget.

“It seems as though our British agents, who should be trying to keep a low profile, have instead been using taxpayer money to live out a playboy lifestyle,” a confidential source on the auditing committee disclosed.

The auditors listed several examples of extravagant spending by MI-6 agents.

--exotic hotels in extravagant locations.

--Numerous purchases of Dom Perignon champagne.

--Frequent consumption of Royal Baluga caviar.

--Designer suits and tuxedos.

“These receipts are an outrage!” a member of the House of Lords declared. “Our agents have a license to kill, and how are they supposed to do that in designer suits?! You can’t do hand-to-hand combat in a tuxedo!”

“When I was in the secret service, we were happy to get a glass of Korbel Brut on New Years,” Nigel Hoggenroth, member of the House of Commons, seethed.

The head of the secret service, known as ‘M’, was brought before the Parliament to answer for the outrageous spending of MI-6 agents.

“Our agents must often seduce women as a means of acquiring information on our targets,” she explained. “You try seducing a woman in a sweatshirt with a bottle of Korbel Brut.”

In response, the parliament pointed to allegations that MI-6 agents were far more concerned with seducing the above-mentioned beautiful women on the taxpayer tab than thwarting Britain’s enemies.

“Honey Rider, Pussy Galore, Xenia Onatopp, Octopussy--who names their daughter Octopussy?--the list goes on and on!” Lord Shaftsburry of the House of Lords bemoaned.

In response, M’s secretary Miss Moneypenny gave testimony that the British agents she has dealt with were, in her experience, very chaste.

In an extended speech, Lord Shaftsburry continued his critique of MI-6. “During the Cold War, our agents ignored the Soviet Union and its dreary locales, instead targeting the minor criminal organization SPECTRE in exotic locations. Now, as we face the threat of Islamic terrorists, our agents are once again asleep at the switch as they travel to the Bahamas and Czechloslovakia to stop a little-known criminal organization of QUANTUM. When are your agents going to get in the game, M?!”

In response, M pointed to her agency’s excellent track record, such as stopping a nuclear bomb from destroying Fort Knox, as well as thwarting billionaire industrialist Hugo Drax from annihilating all life on Earth to re-colonize it with a super race of humans.

The greatest anger came upon the testimony of Q, MI-6’s gadget expert. “Why is it necessary for our agents to be driving in an Astin Martin when they can drive a perfectly good Volkswagen?!” a member of the House of Commons demanded.

In response, Q announced that the design of the Astin Martin made it uniquely suitable for the amenities added to it. “You try to hook up Stinger Missiles and an ejector seat to a Volkswagon!”

Parliament also berated Q about the Astin Martin’s amenities, many of which they deemed outlandish and pointless. “An invisible Astin Martin?! A Lotus Espris that turns into a Submarine?! This is ridiculous! This is taxpayer money down the drain!”

In an unusual turn of events, the head of the investigation, a Ms. Rachel Greatlay, cleared MI-6 of all charges early Thursday morning. The only clue to this unprecedented and unexpected outcome was that she had been seen leaving a baccarat club the previous night with a man in a tuxedo who had been sipping a vodka martini.

Economists Fail Obama on Economy

(From March 12) President Barack Obama and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner received failing grades for their handling of the economy, according to forty-nine economists participating in a recent Wall Street Journal survey.

The economists gave President Obama an average grade of an 'F' at 59%, with forty-two of the forty-nine economists giving him a failing grade.

(see article)http://news.aol.com/main/obama-presidency/article/obama-economy/380586

President Obama responded by complaining that he was given no time to study for the test. "Economists can't just pop quiz a president like this," Obama grumbled. "I could have easily passed this test by cramming with an all-nighter."

He went on to defend his grade, stating: "I wasn't given the benefit of a curve, there was no multiple choice or true/false questions, and they offered no extra credit. I should at least have a 'C'."

Economists gave several reasons for the president's failing grade: first, his appointment of all tax cheats into his cabinet positions, including his treasury secretary, Tim Geithner; second, his placing Americans into trillions of dollars of debt in a mere fifty days of entering his administration; third, his confiscation of money from those who are productive and responsible to bail out those who are unproductive and irresponsible."

Barack Obama responded to all these accusations in a letter addressed to the Wall Street Journal. "First, by hiring tax cheats, I have an administration knowledgeable of the loopholes tax cheats will try to exploit. Government tax revenues will skyrocket. Second, as far as placing Americans trillions of dollars into debt, I agree that this was wrong-- it was nowhere near a big enough stimulus. But rest assured that Congress is rectifying this with a two trillion dollar summer stimulus for democratic interest groups. And third, as far as confiscating money, what these economists fail to realize is that by taking from the productive and responsible businesses, I'm encouraging them to be more productive and responsible to make up the difference. And the unproductive businesses get nationalized, allowing the benevolent oversight of Congress to steer these corporations into prosperity."

Nevertheless, insiders in the administration said the president remained disturbed by his failing grade. That could explain the president's actions later that afternoon, when he bailed himself out by taking twenty points out of President Reagan’s 92% economic grade, leaving Reagan with a 72% to President Obama's 79%.

"We must spread the grades around," President Obama explained about his bailout this evening.

THIS JUST IN:

Students on academic probation at Penn State have petitioned the president to give them a bailout on their grades, just as the president bailed himself out on his economic grade.

"We live in a culture where the gap between smart and dumb keeps widening," Three year College freshman and frat party organizer Matt Kenning announced. "The smart get smarter and the dumb get dumber."

Summa Cum Laude recipient Linda Mackintosh vehimently disagreed. "We cannot subsidize stupidity. What motivation will the intelligent have to study if the president takes from their grades and gives to the dumb? And what motivation will the dumb have to study if they can make passing grades by taking from the smart?"

"Every student has a right to a passing grade," President Obama announced. "Therefore, we will pass a windfall GPA tax. Every student who makes above a 3.0 on their GPA will have that top 1.0 redistributed to the dumb."

In a speech today, John Edwards pointed to the gap in grades as another example of his 'two Americas' campaign theme. After the speech, he was reminded that he had committed adultery while his wife's cancer was in remission, and he went back into hiding.

The Secret History of President Obama

(From March 7) The truth about Barack Obama's past finally came to light on Friday, leaving many Americans stunned.

It is no surpirse that during the presidential campaign, the media was so enamored by Senator Obama that they made no effort to uncover any potential sordid details of his past. Now those details have surfaced, and it is doubtful that our new President will be able to recover.

The truth was discovered during a press conference on the economy. A reporter questioned the President about the impact of his economic policies on the continued decline on the Dow Jones. At a peak of 14,000 in 2007, the stock market has fallen to around 6,700 on Friday, earning it the nickname the 'Down Jones'.

In response to the insinuation that his economic policies were responsible for the decline in the stock market, the President began with the words: "Did I do that?"

Though the words seem innocuous, the President spoke them not with his normal, mellifluent voice, but instead in a high-pitched nasal tone. The press were left speechless for over a minute, until one shell-shocked reporter finally commented: "You sound like Steve Urkel."

Urkel, the nerdy 90’s cultural icon from the hit t.v. show “Family Matters”, had “Did I do that?” as his trademark phrase, spoken in the same, high-pitched nasal tone as the president used during his press conference.

Hours after the conference ended, the press had confirmed that President Obama did, in fact, play Steve Urkel during the sitcom’s television run. The President’s approval ratings immediately plummeted, as confidence in his handling of the economy went to single digits.

“I don’t want Steve Urkel handling social security!” George Franklin, a retired auto worker, announced.

Senator McCain, Obama’s challenger in the 2008 presidential election, admitted he had been

aware of the President’s sordid past. “We did not want to play dirty politics,” McCain responded.

“I'm fine with his relationship with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, corrupt Governor Blagoyovich, and racist pastor Jeremiah Wright,” one Obama voter admitted, “But this… This is NOT the hope and change for which I voted!”

Impeachment charges are planned to be brought against the president first thing Monday morning.

Finding Bin Laden

(From March 2nd) Even though UCLA Geography Professor Thomas Gillespie pinpointed Bin Laden's location two weeks ago, the terrorist mastermind continues to remain at large.

Using a technique which normally locates endangered species, Gillespie announced that Bin Laden was hiding out in the town of Parachinar, in the Kurram province of Packistan's Federally Administered Tribal Areas.

"More specifically, he was at the Starbucks at the corner of East and Vine, drinking a chai tea latte while superpoking a friend on facebook," the professor added.

Nevertheless, when special forces troops invaded the Starbucks fifteen minutes after the announcement, Bin Laden was nowhere to be found. Making things worse, Bin Laden had deleted his profile on facebook after the company revealed that it had a perpetual license to use anything posted on a Facebook page — even if the account was terminated.

"This makes things so much harder for us," a special forces operative complained. "His status updates would often tell us his next location!"

The new White House administration places the capture of Bin Laden as one of its highest priorities. "Around the White House, we call it 'Osama vs. Obama'" Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced. "George Bush got Saddam Hussein, so President Obama believes he must get Bin Laden."

The government is not at a complete loss when it comes to locating Bin Laden. Analysts at the CIA believe that the reason special forces troops are having so much trouble discovering Bin Laden is because he travels in a disguise.

The FBI's crime unit has given a sketch as to Bin Laden's probable disguise. You can see this picture at the link below.http://www.vegalleries.com/misccels/43wal.jpg

In other news, Al Gore has accused today's Northeastern snowstorm as a Republican trick to discredit global warming.

White House Faces Forclosure

(From February 26) The housing market took another hit this week, leaving the White House itself teetering on the brink of foreclosure.

The White House is notorious for house flipping, a practice that has proven to be one of the major culprits in the mortgage crisis. In 1988 it flipped from owner Ronald Reagan to George Bush, then in 1992 it flipped to Bill Clinton, then in 2000 George W. Bush, and finally in 2008 it flipped to Barack Obama.

Though five flips in the last twenty years is considerable, mortgage analysts say it ignores the fact that the White House is flipped every four years--sometimes returning to the same owner--thus totaling seven flips in 20 years.

“Every four years a huge campaign is waged to purchase the White House that gets more expensive every year,” Political Analyst Deborah Hanson explained. “In 2008 we saw Senator Obama outbid rival John McCain $930 million dollars to $81 million for the property.”

The money spent, though, is merely to buy the presidency. It does not buy residency at the White House, which must be mortgaged over thirty years. When President Obama took the White House in January, he got it with no down payment and an adjustable teaser rate of near 0%. His plan was to flip the White House in eight years at a profit when the teaser rate expired.

“That’s when the DC market really nose-dived,” an insider admitted. “The White House lost forty percent of its value, and the president is looking to take a massive financial hit.”

For his part, President Obama is seeking to recoup his loss by passing a $75 billion bailout to those facing foreclosure.

“When the president says ‘those facing foreclosure’,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid disclosed, “he’s talking about himself exclusively.”

In case the above plan doesn’t work, President Obama is also seeking to pass enormous spending bills that put the American people trillions into debt. “The president hopes that the Chinese will cease to purchase our debt, forcing the Fed to increase the money supply. With this inflation, which the president hopes will outdo the hyperinflation of the Weimar Republic, the value of the White House will go well above its purchased price.”

IRAQ BEGINS WMD PROGRAM

(From February 22nd) The democratically elected Iraqi parliament shocked Western officials today by voting to initiate a weapons of mass destruction program. The program, which will include chemical weapons such as anthrax and mustard gas, as well as a nuclear program similar to that of Iran, was unanimously approved in a ceremony in Saddam Hussein’s former palace.

Both President Obama and the UN immediately responded by vociferously condemning the program. “The parliament brought neither hope nor change to Iraq with this vote today,” President Obama scolded.

The United Nations, for its part, responded by immediately passing a resolution against Iraq that it had absolutely no intention of ever enforcing.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki remained defiant. “What is the US going to do to stop us? Occupy our country?” Later that day, al-Maliki accused the US of hypocrisy. “The US has WMDs. They have nukes. Are they the only country that is allowed to defend itself? Are the Iraqis merely to throw shoes at our enemies?”

In response, President Obama reminded al-Maliki that the United States was the self-appointed policeman of the world. “If Iraq thinks its weapons will give them permission to intervene in the affairs of other nations, the US will intervene in their nation to correct that misunderstanding.”

Former President Bush, who is believed to be in hiding in the Afghan/Pakistan border, produced a video in which he used this incident to vindicate his original invasion of Iraq in 2003.

“Our aim was to disarm Iraq of WMDs,” Bush announced in the video, “and everyone got upset because we found no actual stockpiles. But they had forgotten that Iraq was a pre-emptive war. The program the parliament voted on today contains the weapons we were pre-emptively trying to disarm Iraq from constructing.”

Bush also confirmed that his purported mishandling of Hurricane Katrina was really a pre-emptive deterrent to the South for an anticipated future rebellion. “When the United States doesn’t devolve into a civil war in 2014, you remember to thank Dubya.”

The Truth About the Stimulus Package

The real reason behind President Obama’s eagerness to pass the stimulus bill has been revealed, and it goes back to the Bush administration’s response to 9/11.

“Immediately after 9/11, everyone in government had to deal with the attacks from a psychological perspective,” a DC insider disclosed. “President Bush dealt with it from a decidedly--how to put this delicately--Freudian perspective.”

Bush saw the twin towers as gigantic phallic symbols, and interpreted their destruction as an attack on American masculinity.

“The rest of his presidency was devoted to reasserting the virility of America,” a source within the White House admitted.

In the White House gym locker room, for example, the president would brag about his most recent conquests. “He was always talking about Iraq and Afghanistan,” a former Secret Service Agent revealed of these post-workout discussions.

The capstone of this enterprise, insiders say, was his bailout package. “Bush bailed out the finance industry to the tune of $700 billion dollars because he wanted to be known as the president with the largest package.”

With the incoming Obama administration, President Bush was merciless. During the inauguration, Bush ridiculed Obama’s lack of governmental experience.

“The day after Obama won his Senate seat, he immediately began his presidential run,” a former Bush staff member confided. “At the time he won the presidency, Obama had accomplished nothing in government. Bush mercilessly ridiculed the president-elect for this, calling him ‘the 47 year old Virgin’.”

President Obama, angered, decided to start his administration off with a bang.

“The bombing of Pakistan by President Obama was nothing more than an effort by the president to validate his manhood.” Instead of impressing the former president, Bush responded by saying Obama’s attack seemed to end a little prematurely, unlike his conquests which have lasted five and seven years, respectively.

At that point, President Obama decided to focus on the economy. He needed to prove his package was bigger than Bush’s package.

“It should not come as a surprise that President Obama decided to call this bill a ‘stimulus package’,” a White House insider disclosed. “And if it passes at 800 billion dollars, it will prove to be significantly larger than the former President’s package.”

Much of this thinking can be seen in the president’s speech from a recent town hall meeting about the economy. “President Bush’s package has proved to be impotent. We’ve seen nothing but deflation from this package. But my package will definitely stimulate the economy, and the result will be plenty of inflation.” At this point, the president exchanged high-fives with Vice President Biden, returned to the microphone, and yelled: “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!”

Former President Bush, who left office with approval ratings in the negative, is believed to have gone into hiding along the Afghan/Pakistan border, and so could not be reached to respond to President Obama’s speech. Those closest to him have speculated he would have responded by saying that George Herbert Walker Bush, the 41st president of the United States, was his daddy.

Former President Clinton did respond to our inquiry though, with this written response: “This comes as no surprise. Everyone knows that a black man will have a larger package than a white man.” He then continued: “My administration took a different approach to this ‘package’ issue, as anyone who has read the Starr report knows.”

Surprising Items Hidden in Stimulus Bill

(February 17) It is a notorious fact that members in the House of Representatives did not receive a copy of the over 1,000 page stimulus bill until midnight, Thursday February 12th, to be voted on the next morning at 9AM. To read such a bill, congressmen would have needed to cover 650 words a minute for the entire nine hours between when they received it and when they voted on it. Consequently, no one actually read the stimulus bill by the time of the vote.

With the passing of the weekend, though, Congressmen and their aides have perused the bill, with many startling discoveries uncovered. For example:

--Nearly $200 million dollars will be used to build a giant money bin in which to store the rest of the $788.8 billion dollars.

“It appears that president Obama wants to use the money bin as his own swimming pool, much like Scrooge McDuck,” an insider in the Obama administration disclosed.

--$900 million dollars to subsidize a new edition of President Obama’s bestseller “The Audacity of Hope”.

This new edition will be the centerpiece of the President’s education reform, as every school child will be required to read and take a class on this book. “The new edition will be historic,” the President’s publisher announced. “It will be a leather-bound edition, with gold edges to the pages, along with chapter and verses to each section. Most importantly, the words of the president will be in red ink.”

As schools have time limits in which to cover all the educational topics, the President’s book will displace the teaching of the Declaration of Independence and the American Constitution. “We just won’t have time to cover those archaic documents,” one civil government professor admitted.

--1.2 Billion dollars to change the name of our country from ‘The United States of America’ to ‘The United States of Obamerica’. “At first glance it seems like changing the name of a country shouldn’t be this expensive,” Economics professor J.P. Maynard explained, “but when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. You have to re-edit all the bills in circulation, and you have to re-make all the maps and globes.”

When asked about this part of the stimulus, the President defended its inclusion. “My ego has nothing to do with this section of the bill,” the president announced. “This is about job creation. Editing the currency, maps, and globes will create thousands of new jobs for our citizens.”

The president then scoffed at a reporter who questioned him on why the 1.2 Billion wasn't used for more productive purposes. "They're producing money with the money," President Obama announced. "Everyone knows that you have to spend money to make money."

Accountants have confirmed that it will cost the government $3 of the old money for every $1 of the new money produced.

--Finally, 340 billion dollars to make Iraq the fifty-first state of Obamerica.

“People are tired of foreign wars, they’re tired of relying on foreign oil, so the obvious solution is to make Iraq a part of the US,” Sociologist Edgar Marcusio clarified.

The foundation has already been laid for Obamericanizing Iraq--the new state has been given its own professional football and baseball team.

“Baseball especially has helped to Obamericanize Iraq,” an article on ESPN.com explained, “as can be seen by the rampant use of anabolic steroids among the players.”

The football team has lagged behind in the Obamericanization process, though. A scrimmage game between the Cleveland Browns and the Bagdad Baathists was cancelled when it was discovered that the football was actually an I.E.D. (Improvised Explosive Device). After an investigation of the incident, the presence of the I.E.D. turned out to be a simple misunderstanding of the game’s rules on the part of the Bagdad Baathists.

“I’m glad the game was cancelled,” Baathist head Coach Ali Khattab announced. “If the I.E.D. had exploded, that would have been a ‘roughing the passer’ penalty, and we would have lost at least fifteen yards.”

Global Warming an Unstoppable Juggernaut, Scientists Warn

(From February 10th) Scientists for the U.N. Committee on Global Climate Change warn that the time for halting global warming has passed."

We had our chance, but now it is too late," Dr. Nasaki, chairman of the committee, announced yesterday. "We are on the precipice of massive global warming, and we're about to go over."

The committee warns that in the coming months, temperatures could spike upward as much as forty degrees."

The effects on our ecological system will be unprecedented," Nasaki proclaimed. "Where our grounds are currently covered in snow, it will be melted. Where our trees are presently bare, they will be covered in leaves."

Nasaki also warned that the days will get longer, and mosquitos will be rampant in many areas."

The economic consequences will be devastating as well," Economist Luther Von Miser predicted. "The clothing industry will need to make rapid adjustments to the increased demand for short-sleaved shirts and shorts. Also, with the loss of snow, the skiing industry will grind to a halt."

President Obama took the committee's report as another reason why the United States needs to sign the Kyoto Accords.

"This report demands that we take urgent and drastic action," the President proclaimed.

Republicans came out united in their opposition to the President's proclamation.

Upon hearing of their opposition, Obama responded: "The Republicans forget that my presidency is historic! Do they really want to be known as the party that stood united against America's first black president?"

Upon hearing the president's response, the Republicans caved in their opposition.

When asked how bad the climate could get, Dr. Nasaki warned that the Northeastern United States could expect to see temperatures of 90 degrees as early as June or July.

Scare Tactics Used to Pass the Stimulus Bill

(From February 7) President Obama recently warned that if the $900 billion stimulus bill didn't pass, we might end up in an irreversible recession. Meanwhile, house speaker Nancy Pelosi stressed the urgency of passing the $900 billion stimulus, since '500 million Americans were losing their jobs each month.'

Former President George 'W' Bush, who is currently in the witness protection program, was quoted as saying Pelosi was using 'fuzzy math'. He then responded that the democrats were trying to scare people into voting for the stimulus.

Is this true? Are the democrats trying to scare us into voting for the stimulus? We at the Politically Incorrect Party decided to investigate, and found several shocking examples of fear tactics being used on the American people. For example:

--Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid warned a Los Angeles crowd that if the stimulus bill did not pass, they could expect worse riots than during the Rodney King beating.

--Later that day, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that passing the stimulus bill was the only way our country could avoid nuclear annihilation.

In fact, the rhetoric is getting increasingly more terrifying as the Senate approaches a vote.

--Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner cautioned a crowd of Trekkies at a convention in Roswell, New Mexico, that martians will attack and destroy our planet if we don't pass this stimulus bill.

"We're already at war in Iraq and Afganistan," Geithner announced. "We don't have the resources to fight a third front."

The crowd, though, was not impressed, saying Geithner should have used the more politically correct term 'extra terrestrial' rather than 'martian'.

"Martians are specifically from Mars," one Spock-eared nerd announced. "It's the equivalent of calling all Hispanics 'Mexican'".

--Al Gore did an episode of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood where he told the children, “There are some things about our world that you know that older people don’t know.” He then threatened that if the stimulus bill did not pass, the kids would, in fact, go down the drain. He then announced that the monsters in their closet would get them, and that Santa Claus’s North Pole toy factory would be wiped out from global warming.

--Finally, Joe Biden gave a speech at a DC church on Sunday about the need for separation of church and state. At the end, though, he brought up the stimulus bill, threatening: "Mark my words: if America does not pass this stimulus bill, within the first six months of President Obama's administration, there will be a great earthquake. The sun will turn black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the moon will turn blood red, and the stars in the sky will fall to earth. The sky will recede like a scroll, and every mountain and island will be removed from its place!"

Instead of being frightened, though, the congregants were impressed to learn that sackcloth made from goat hair was, in fact, black.

"Don't you understand!" Joe Biden cried. "If this bill does not pass, the abomination of desolation will arise against Jerusalem!"

“The Obama-nation of desolation?” One congregant responded.

“Argh!” Joe Biden cried, pulling out his hair plugs in frustration.

Republicans have responded by using scare tactics as well, saying that the bill will put Americans $900 billion dollars more into debt. They have also dubbed the bill ‘Spendzilla’, and have warned that the stimulus is just one more step down the road to socialism.

President Obama met earlier today with top Republican leaders, where he addressed their concerns.

“Comrades, Mother America will never go down the road of socialism.” He then took off his right shoe, pounded it on his desk, and cried out: “We will bury you!!”

Santa Gets a Bailout

With all the attention focused on the auto bailout in Washington, many in the press have overlooked the fact that Saint Nick himself has approached Congress for a bailout.

His economic troubles stem from a toy shop built during the Carter administration that lacks the capacity to produce high tech toys like an X-Box or cell phone. These troubles have recently been compounded due to a monthlong strike in August that led to a substantial increase in the salaries of the recently-unionized elves.

Santa came to speak before congress last Tuesday for a $33 billion dollar bailout, but Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D. Cal), refused to let him speak when it was discovered that he flew into D.C. on his own private sleigh. Many worry that if Santa receives the $33 billion, Christmas will never be the same.

When Santa was finally allowed to speak on Wednesday, congressmen attacked Santa for his naughty and nice list.

“Why do you never bring presents to Jewish or Muslim children?” Demanded Senator Harry Reid (D. Nev). “Are you saying that a child who is either Jewish or Muslim is by definition naughty?”

Meanwhile 9th Grader Maxwell Sanders, a child who made the naughty list last year, accused Santa of being a hererosexist. “I faithfully made the nice list every year until last year: the year I came out of the closet!”

Santa replied that he was under no obligation to bring any child toys for Christmas--to many boo’s from those listening--and he then went on to humiliate Sanders by describing in graphic detail every thought and action that had landed him on the naughty list. After hearing this tirade, one Senator was overheard whispering that it seemed like socks would be a good Christmas present for the young Sanders boy.

Finally, even Congressional Republicans made Santa feel the heat. “He knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake,” one congressman snarled, repeating the familiar Christmas tune. “What is he, some sort of sadistic stalker? With lyrics like that, you’d think he worked for Homeland Security under the provisions of the Patriot Act.”

He then continued with the lyrics: “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout I‘m telling you why; Santa Claus is coming to town--if this isn’t a clear threat on the citizens of the United States, I don’t know what is.”

He then accused Santa of using his North Pole toy factory to build weapons of mass destruction. He pointed to the fact that Santa had imported weapons grade plutonium from Russia, to which Santa replied that he was only seeking to build a Nuclear Power Reactor for his toy factory. Outgoing president George Bush acknowledged the unionization of the elves as evidence that the North Pole needed to be liberated. With democratic Iraq no longer a member of the Axis of Evil, he announced that the North Pole will take its place alongside fellow Axis members Iran and North Korea.

Even with these innumerable concerns, many remain optimistic that Santa will get the bailout. He’s simply too big to fail.

Declaration of Incorrectness

CHANGE -- We are not a party of change; we believe in the status quo.

GLOBAL WARMING -- We’re for it in the winter and against it in the summer.

ABORTION -- We support a woman’s right to choose; we just believe there should be a nine month waiting period.

CHURCH AND STATE -- We support the integration of church and state. The pope will be feared again!!

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION -- We believe in taking away the incentives that encourage illegal immigration -- specifically, our good economy. We promise to wreck the economy so thoroughly that not only will Mexicans stop immigrating to America illegally, but Americans will start illegally immigrating to Mexico! It’s about time you got a taste of your own medicine, Mr. Calderon.

THE ENVIRONMENT -- Why do we have an Environmental Protection Agency? Why do we protect the very entity that has given us Hurricane Katrina, flooding in the Midwest, and the Indonesian Tsunami? Instead of protecting the environment from us, we need to start protecting us from the environment! When Katrina happened, everyone blamed Bush and FEMA, all the while ignoring the true enemy--Mother Nature. The environment is the greatest terrorist out there, and it is time we acknowledged it and stopped appeasing it. Instead, we need to go tit-for-tat with nature. For every Hurricane Ike the environment throws at us, we increase carbon emissions. If the Mother Nature floods the Midwest, we drill in Anwar. No more appeasement!

GAY MARRIAGE -- We are in favor of Gay Marriage -- if a homosexual man and a lesbian want to marry each other, who are we to deny them this right?

FLIP-FLOPPING -- We were against it yesterday but support it today.

WAGE LAWS -- We support maximum wage laws.

WAR -- We are pacifists, and we will declare war on any country that disagrees with us.

INCOME TAX -- Our tax system in its present form needs a massive restructuring. Specifically, instead of being collected on April 15, it should be March 15. Beware the Ides of March!!

FAIR TAX -- A tax by its very definition is unfair. Who are you trying to fool?

DRILLING FOR OIL -- Since all our wars are over oil, we should not drill in our own country, as it would lead to a civil war.

THREE STRIKES LAWS -- We are opposed to the so-called “Three Strikes and You’re Out” laws. The politically incorrect party proposes they be replaced by the far more just “Three Downs and You Punt” laws.

GUN CONTROL -- We are in favor of gun control. Anyone who cannot shoot straight is useless and should be executed.

HATE CRIMES -- Instead of hate crimes, we propose tolerance crime legislation against those citizens who, in their desire to be politically correct, treat all behavior and viewpoints as equally valid.

DEATH PENALTY -- We believe the death penalty is a deterrent to crime--except for suicide, of course.

UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE -- We are opposed to universal healthcare, since the only people who need healthcare are on this planet.

EDUCATION -- The ‘No Child Left Behind’ act violates the soon-to-be-repealed Separation of Church and State, as the use of the words ‘Left Behind’ is a clear reference to the Tim Lahaye end times novel. We do appreciate Bush’s concern to make sure our children get raptured before the Great Tribulation, though.

RUSSIA/GEORGIA -- Russia symbolically attacked America when it invaded a country named after one of our fifty states. We must symbolically retaliate in return by bombing Moscow, Idaho.

PC COLLEGES -- Why do they teach kids 'diversity' at a place that is called a 'university'? No wonder a bachelors degree is useless in getting a job these days.

STIMULUS PACKAGE-- I have one, but only my wife receives it.

RACE CARD-- We don't play the race card--we play the entire deck!