Planned Parenthood Rejects Single Payer

Planned Parenthood, the nation’s number one abortion provider, released a statement this afternoon against the public option in the current health care reform debate. The stance came as a surprise to the White House, as the president has been a strong advocate for a woman’s right to choose.

In the statement, Planned Parenthood wrote: “The public option is merely a gateway to single payer, government run health care. As countries with government run health care can attest, the result is often rationing and delaying procedures for up to a year or more. In the case of abortion, where the procedure has a mere nine month window to occur, such a delay can be deadly.” An odd amount of scribble then occurred on the release, finally followed with these words. “Deadly to the woman’s right to choose, that is, not the fetus.” More scribble followed, along with, “Okay, maybe ‘deadly’ is not the best choice of words.”

In the statement, Planned Parenthood quoted Margaret Hannon, a working class woman in Liverpool. “When I was pregnant with me first, young Lizzy, I was placed on the government’s waiting list, and they told me I’d have to wait two years. Thankfully, me two years ends in six weeks, and I’m three months pregnant with me second.”

In a related story, a thirteen year old is on a waiting list for an abortion in France. Though not actually pregnant, she finds it reassuring to know that if she is pregnant when the four year wait is up, she’s registered for the procedure. “None of the boys are interested in me now, but when I finish puberty, my braces come off, and my acne clears up, it’s nice to know I’ll have that safety net.”

The environmental lobby also joined with Planned Parenthood by releasing a statement against the public option. “With the current crisis in Global Warming, every extra human increases our nation’s carbon footprint. Therefore, the protection of a woman’s right to choose is essential for the survival of humanity.”

President Obama was quick to respond to these concerns. “The public option will not place the undo burden of an extended wait on pregnant women. It is the top priority of this administration to make sure every abortion is performed in a timely manner.”

Nevertheless, citizens remain frightened. Meghan Flanders, of Portland Oregon, said: “We need a guarantee that even if the wait extends beyond the time of the pregnancy, the termination will still take place.”

Julie Longshire of London is currently in that fight. Pregnant six years ago and placed on a two year waiting list for an abortion, she battles the British court system for the right to terminate her five year-old son, Baxter. In a related story, police have a manhunt in place after Baxter ran away from home two weeks ago.

Once again, the President reassured Planned Parenthood with this statement: “The Republicans frightened the elderly to the public option with baseless threats of death panels. Our death panels are not in place for the elderly; they’re in place for those who have not yet been born. Take comfort; health care reform will give a whole new definition to the phrase ‘no child left behind’.”