The Truth About Health Care

Insiders in the White House have disclosed that health care reform is nothing more than a red herring for the Obama administration.

“Public option, health care mandate, coverage for illegals, death panels -- the president doesn’t give a rip,” one informant, who asked to remain anonymous, told us while sitting in his Chief of Staff’s office. “The president is just trying to distract America for the greatest threat to our liberty in this country.”

Is the threat the recession? Is it the recently leaked report about the conditions in Afghanistan? Is it the threat of a trade war with China? Is it the president's policies?

No.

The greatest threat facing America is Obama’s graying hair.

President Obama, who won the 2008 election largely on his charisma, fears that any notice of his graying hair will lead to a dramatic reduction in his pole numbers.

“Barack noticed how President Bush’s approval ratings plummeted the grayer his hair got, and he vowed not to suffer the same fate,” another anonymous informant replied while helping her daughters Sasha and Malia with their homework.

The president also had the example of Joe Biden, whose hair plugs were a constant butt of jokes during the 2008 election season.

“Biden’s hair plugs cost the Democrats 1,000,000 votes in November.”

The president originally took action to distract the public the moment he saw these articles appear about it on the internet:

http://news.aol.com/main/obama-presidency/article/obama-gray-hair-showing/371134
http://www.livescience.com/health/090305-obama-gray-hair.html
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-talk_hairdec23,0,800543.story

For the time being, ObamaCare has sidetracked the public from the President’s grays. The next step for the President is to dye his hair black again. Such a radical reversal in hair color will be much more jarring than the original graying, and will demand an even greater distraction than angry town halls and Tea Parties.

So what will that distraction be?

“Nothing distracts from dyed hair quite like Iranian nuke sites!” An anonymous informant responded from the Vice President’s office.

NEWSPAPER BAILOUT

First came Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac; next came the banking industry; then came the auto industry; and now, it’s the newspaper industry.

With sales and advertising money sagging due to the recession, President Obama told newspaper executives on Friday that he’d be happy to look into a bailout for their papers. That weekend, as the controversy raged over yet another government bailout, the President signed legislation rescuing the first news agency.

We at the Politically Incorrect Party are proud to announce that our blog is the first to receive a bailout from the Obama administration!

President Obama’s historic and brave action to bail out this blog is yet another example of his decisive, transformational approach to leading our nation. Just as he is wisely leading America to reduce the costs of health care against the corrupt, racist opponents to reform, so has he bailed out the newspaper industry.

Some on the radical fringe have argued that if the recession has really turned around, with green shoots evident in the economy, a bailout of the newspaper industry is unnecessary. Such kooks clearly are the diehard ditto heads of talk radio, whose attacks on the Obama administration will be silenced by the fairness doctrine.

Obama towers above his critics like Moses on Mt. Sinai with the ten commandments, his face radiating from being in the presence of God. Like Jesus Christ, Obama was a community organizer who says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and gentle in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Yes, many critics complain about this bailout now, but how will they feel when they’re the ones on the other end of the bailout?

(The Politically Incorrect Party would like to thank Obama appointed Newspaper Czar Stephanie Boyd for her thorough edit and rewrite of this post)

Obama Media Blitz

T.V. viewers have been bombarded with President Obama’s health care message since Sunday morning, when the president appeared on five talk shows to promote reform. Following that media blitzkrieg, the president today appeared on the David Letterman show to continue his push on health care.

Many viewers have been left flabbergasted by the exposure the president is getting in the media.

“Every channel I flip to, there’s the president!” Dennis McNearny, a retired dentist in Florida, complained.

The White House responded that such statements are a gross exaggeration, but upon closer scrutiny, these complaints proved valid.

Maggie Davenport, a homemaker in Baltimore, was startled when she turned on the Food Network to not only not find Rachel Ray hosting, but to instead find President Obama hosting.

“Today I’m going to teach you how to make reduced health care costs through congressional

reform bills,” the President, wearing a chef’s hat and a ‘kiss the cook’ apron, announced.

Toddlers were equally befuddled when the president appeared on Sesame Street with his arm around Cookie Monster, singing “‘H’ is for healthcare, it’s good enough for me!”

And if one hoped to escape from the president in re-runs, that too could not happen. During the introduction to an episode of the Brady Bunch, President Obama appeared in the box usually reserved for Alice. And in the introductory song to Gilligan’s Island, President Obama’s name was inserted: ‘Gilligan; the Skipper too; the millionaire, and his wife; the movie star; the professor and Barack Obama! Here, on Gilligan’s Island!’

“I especially found it disturbing when the president entered Al’s diner in a leather jacket on ‘Happy Days’ and said ‘Heeeeyyy!!!’” Max Angler, an engineer from New Jersey, complained.

Probably the most egregious use of presidential power came when the president interrupted the game between the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Giants Sunday evening with his own broadcast from the White House.

“I’m president Barack Obama. If you don’t get behind my health care reform bill, I won’t let you watch your precious football game.” The president then opened a copy of ‘War and Peace’ and read from it for the remainder of the game, much to the chagrin of football fans everywhere. After the game had officially ended, the president came inches away from the camera lens and whispered, “I’ll see you next Sunday. I’m a man of my word!”

Planned Parenthood Rejects Single Payer

Planned Parenthood, the nation’s number one abortion provider, released a statement this afternoon against the public option in the current health care reform debate. The stance came as a surprise to the White House, as the president has been a strong advocate for a woman’s right to choose.

In the statement, Planned Parenthood wrote: “The public option is merely a gateway to single payer, government run health care. As countries with government run health care can attest, the result is often rationing and delaying procedures for up to a year or more. In the case of abortion, where the procedure has a mere nine month window to occur, such a delay can be deadly.” An odd amount of scribble then occurred on the release, finally followed with these words. “Deadly to the woman’s right to choose, that is, not the fetus.” More scribble followed, along with, “Okay, maybe ‘deadly’ is not the best choice of words.”

In the statement, Planned Parenthood quoted Margaret Hannon, a working class woman in Liverpool. “When I was pregnant with me first, young Lizzy, I was placed on the government’s waiting list, and they told me I’d have to wait two years. Thankfully, me two years ends in six weeks, and I’m three months pregnant with me second.”

In a related story, a thirteen year old is on a waiting list for an abortion in France. Though not actually pregnant, she finds it reassuring to know that if she is pregnant when the four year wait is up, she’s registered for the procedure. “None of the boys are interested in me now, but when I finish puberty, my braces come off, and my acne clears up, it’s nice to know I’ll have that safety net.”

The environmental lobby also joined with Planned Parenthood by releasing a statement against the public option. “With the current crisis in Global Warming, every extra human increases our nation’s carbon footprint. Therefore, the protection of a woman’s right to choose is essential for the survival of humanity.”

President Obama was quick to respond to these concerns. “The public option will not place the undo burden of an extended wait on pregnant women. It is the top priority of this administration to make sure every abortion is performed in a timely manner.”

Nevertheless, citizens remain frightened. Meghan Flanders, of Portland Oregon, said: “We need a guarantee that even if the wait extends beyond the time of the pregnancy, the termination will still take place.”

Julie Longshire of London is currently in that fight. Pregnant six years ago and placed on a two year waiting list for an abortion, she battles the British court system for the right to terminate her five year-old son, Baxter. In a related story, police have a manhunt in place after Baxter ran away from home two weeks ago.

Once again, the President reassured Planned Parenthood with this statement: “The Republicans frightened the elderly to the public option with baseless threats of death panels. Our death panels are not in place for the elderly; they’re in place for those who have not yet been born. Take comfort; health care reform will give a whole new definition to the phrase ‘no child left behind’.”

THE RACIST CARD

Former President Jimmy Carter is just the latest in a slew of politicians calling opponents of the policies of President Obama racist. Earlier in the week, columnist Maureen Dowd claimed that Rep. Joe Wilson’s comment “You lie!” had an unspoken racist word at the end of it -- “boy!”, while celebrity Janeane Garafolo, Cuban Prime Minister Fidel Castro, and Rep. Diane Watson also called those who opposed the President’s policies racist.

And they were all left befuddled when, in what was supposed to be an off-the-record remark, the president stated: “Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe a more free market approach to health care is the best way to go.”

“Technically, what the president is doing is disagreeing with himself,” Political Analyst Jasmine Reynolds explained. “And since disagreeing with the president has been deemed racist, the president himself is, by default, racist.”

“The President is not a racist,” Racial historian J.P. Blenworth responded. “All it means is that the tables are turned. The Republicans now cease to be racist, while the democrats have become the party of hate.”

Others vehemently disagree with calling the president racist. “The president is black; he technically cannot be racist,” Obama Campaign manager U.G. Weathers said. “By definition, he’s an Uncle Tom.”

Others, though, point out that the President is half white. “His white half is racist against his black half. Technically, he’s half racist,” Ms. Reynolds clarified.

The president’s comments have led to riots in Los Angeles to a degree unseen since the Rodney King beating.

“We know someone’s a racist!” rioter Desmond Lewis yelled as he threw a Molatov Cocktail at a Korean convenience store.

Experts agree that the only solution to ease the racial tensions is another beer summit. No one, though, is quite sure who should participate in this summit.

CHRIST ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY IN 2012

The first challenger to President Obama in 2012 has stepped forward to announce his candidacy: Jesus Christ.

In a press conference at Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church in California, Christ, dressed in a suit and tie, explained that he felt called to run when President Obama announced during his European tour that America was not a Christian nation.

A New York Times reporter asked if America would be a Christian nation under a Jesus presidency, and then immediately fell into an embarrassed silence at the abject stupidity of his question.

Even more shocking, Jesus announced that he would not be running for either of the big two’s political parties.

“Even though I rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, the mascot of the democratic party, I refuse to run under the democratic party platform. And even though I am seated at the right hand of God the Father, I will not be the pawn of the right.”

Many have expressed concerns about Christ’s unwillingness to run for either of the two main political parties.

“He’s my Lord and Savior,” Pastor John Hagee of Cornerstone Church announced, “but I can’t waste my vote on a third party candidate.”

The ACLU immediately filed a lawsuit against Christ’s candidacy, claiming that it was a violation of the Separation of Church and State. They have also expressed concerns that he would seek to insert displays of the Ten Commandments on courthouse grounds.

Legal experts agree that the courts will come out in Christ’s favor, mainly out of a fear of eternal judgment if they do otherwise.

Other critics have protested that Christ is not a resident of the United States, demanding to see his birth certificate. Jesus himself agrees that he was not physically born in the United States, but he makes a compelling argument for why that fact is irrelevant:

“I was born almost 1800 years before the founding of America.”

Jesus took the opportunity afforded by the press conference to clearly distinguish himself from the Obama presidency.

“President Obama talks about reform for the out-of-control health care expenses, while I have healed the sick and raised the dead. President Obama wants to see families fed, while I have fed five thousand with a few fish and a couple loaves of bread. President Obama is trying to pass a cap-and-trade bill in a desperate attempt to control the weather and stop global warming, while I have effortlessly calmed storms. President Obama’s motto is ‘Yes we can!’ Mine is ‘It is finished!’”

Though Christ is known for his honesty and integrity, many fear that he will be corrupted by Washington politics. At the press conference, Christ reassured his critics: “I withstood temptation by Satan himself in the wilderness after forty days of fasting; I think I can handle the lobbyists and special interest groups.”

Christ ended his press conference with these words: “When you find yourself in the voting booth on November 2012, ask yourself: ‘WWJD? What Would Jesus Do?’

LIMBAUGH HOSPITALIZATION

Conservative Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized early this morning from a nervous breakdown triggered when he discovered he actually agreed with President Obama on something.

Insiders say the rare intersection of agreement came when President Obama, in an off-handed comment, admitted to liking the occasional cigar.

“Limbaugh, a cigar afficianado, knew the President liked an occasional cigarette,” Conservative host Sean Hannity, whose talk show differs not one iota from Limbaugh’s on any issue, explained. “But when he discovered the president liked cigars… that was just too much.”

Limbaugh issued a press statement from his hospital bed:

“The Messiah has reached a new low in the Saul Alinsky ‘Rules For Radicals’ playbook. You see, this is what these liberals do. They try to make themselves come across as normal, blue collar guys, with their beer summits and cigar lounges. They get you to lower your guard, and when you do, they shove socialist style healthcare down your throat!”

“It was easy for Rush to disagree with Obama when he first came in to office,” Hannity explained, “with the $700 billion dollar porkulous that no one had time to read, cap-and-tax, and the GM takeover. But lately he’s been doing things that are hard to disagree with. He encouraged students to study hard in schools, and he wanted to make 9/11 a day of community service. But Rush found a way to disagree with these actions.”

In fact, Limbaugh pointed out that the prefix to the word ‘community’ in Obama’s 9/11 plan -- commun -- is also the prefix on the word ‘communism’. Limbaugh also pointed out that Obama’s speech was given to a socialist education system.

“You don’t see Obama giving speeches to encourage capitalist, free enterprise institutions like talk radio,” Limbaugh had announced earlier in the week.

Limbaugh was on the verge of being released this evening when he had a relapse triggered by the president admitting he had a sweet tooth for Cinnabons.

STUDENTS BRAINWASHED BY OBAMA'S SPEECH

President Obama’s speech to students, coinciding with the first day of school, lacked the partisan rhetoric many feared in the volatile political climate. Instead, the president focused on encouraging students to work hard and make a positive contribution to society. After the speech, concerned parents expressed reassurance that the president had left politics out of the talk.

But then the students returned to school the next day.

The first sign things were wrong manifested when an entire class, during the Pledge of Allegiance, proclaimed that America was “One nation, under Obama.”

Later, during a kindergarten lesson on sharing, a student echoed his approval of the lesson by shouting: “Spread the wealth around!”

That afternoon, in a middle school in California, a sixth grader burst out: “The public option is NOT a single payer system”. Later that day, upon seeing a picture of John McCain during a lesson on the 2008 Presidential election, the students in unison yelled out “McBush!” and “We don’t want four more years of the last eight years!”

The most egregious example, though, came from an elementary school in Massachusetts, where children at an assembly broke out into the following song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTBq_ybkBmI&feature=related“It’s like the Village of the Damned,” a frustrated high school math teacher grumbled. “All they do is yell ‘Yes we can!’”

Administrators and parents, racing to find the source of the brainwashing from the president’s superficially innocuous speech, discovered that when the speech was played backwards, demonic hidden messages were audible.

“If you reverse the speech at the ten minute mark,” School Superintendent Barbara Levine announced, “You can make out a rant that sounds like ‘the US of the KKK!’ Earlier, at the four minute mark, you can hear the words ‘Nah! Nah! Nah! Not God bless America, but God ---- America!”

Many students have even begun to show signs of addiction since the speech on Tuesday. When required to do homework in computer lab, the students instead did hits of Obama’s speeches on Youtube. Though most professors find Obama’s speeches harmless, many fear that it could serve as a gateway speech to harder speeches from Nancy Pelosi or Barney Frank.

“I miss the good old days when students were just sexting,” Professor Craig Beasley moaned.