CHRIST ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY IN 2012

The first challenger to President Obama in 2012 has stepped forward to announce his candidacy: Jesus Christ.

In a press conference at Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church in California, Christ, dressed in a suit and tie, explained that he felt called to run when President Obama announced during his European tour that America was not a Christian nation.

A New York Times reporter asked if America would be a Christian nation under a Jesus presidency, and then immediately fell into an embarrassed silence at the abject stupidity of his question.

Even more shocking, Jesus announced that he would not be running for either of the big two’s political parties.

“Even though I rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, the mascot of the democratic party, I refuse to run under the democratic party platform. And even though I am seated at the right hand of God the Father, I will not be the pawn of the right.”

Many have expressed concerns about Christ’s unwillingness to run for either of the two main political parties.

“He’s my Lord and Savior,” Pastor John Hagee of Cornerstone Church announced, “but I can’t waste my vote on a third party candidate.”

The ACLU immediately filed a lawsuit against Christ’s candidacy, claiming that it was a violation of the Separation of Church and State. They have also expressed concerns that he would seek to insert displays of the Ten Commandments on courthouse grounds.

Legal experts agree that the courts will come out in Christ’s favor, mainly out of a fear of eternal judgment if they do otherwise.

Other critics have protested that Christ is not a resident of the United States, demanding to see his birth certificate. Jesus himself agrees that he was not physically born in the United States, but he makes a compelling argument for why that fact is irrelevant:

“I was born almost 1800 years before the founding of America.”

Jesus took the opportunity afforded by the press conference to clearly distinguish himself from the Obama presidency.

“President Obama talks about reform for the out-of-control health care expenses, while I have healed the sick and raised the dead. President Obama wants to see families fed, while I have fed five thousand with a few fish and a couple loaves of bread. President Obama is trying to pass a cap-and-trade bill in a desperate attempt to control the weather and stop global warming, while I have effortlessly calmed storms. President Obama’s motto is ‘Yes we can!’ Mine is ‘It is finished!’”

Though Christ is known for his honesty and integrity, many fear that he will be corrupted by Washington politics. At the press conference, Christ reassured his critics: “I withstood temptation by Satan himself in the wilderness after forty days of fasting; I think I can handle the lobbyists and special interest groups.”

Christ ended his press conference with these words: “When you find yourself in the voting booth on November 2012, ask yourself: ‘WWJD? What Would Jesus Do?’