CHANGE -- We are not a party of change; we believe in the status quo.
GLOBAL WARMING -- We’re for it in the winter and against it in the summer.
ABORTION -- We support a woman’s right to choose; we just believe there should be a nine month waiting period.
CHURCH AND STATE -- We support the integration of church and state. The pope will be feared again!!
ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION -- We believe in taking away the incentives that encourage illegal immigration -- specifically, our good economy. We promise to wreck the economy so thoroughly that not only will Mexicans stop immigrating to America illegally, but Americans will start illegally immigrating to Mexico! It’s about time you got a taste of your own medicine, Mr. Calderon.
THE ENVIRONMENT -- Why do we have an Environmental Protection Agency? Why do we protect the very entity that has given us Hurricane Katrina, flooding in the Midwest, and the Indonesian Tsunami? Instead of protecting the environment from us, we need to start protecting us from the environment! When Katrina happened, everyone blamed Bush and FEMA, all the while ignoring the true enemy--Mother Nature. The environment is the greatest terrorist out there, and it is time we acknowledged it and stopped appeasing it. Instead, we need to go tit-for-tat with nature. For every Hurricane Ike the environment throws at us, we increase carbon emissions. If the Mother Nature floods the Midwest, we drill in Anwar. No more appeasement!
GAY MARRIAGE -- We are in favor of Gay Marriage -- if a homosexual man and a lesbian want to marry each other, who are we to deny them this right?
FLIP-FLOPPING -- We were against it yesterday but support it today.
WAGE LAWS -- We support maximum wage laws.
WAR -- We are pacifists, and we will declare war on any country that disagrees with us.
INCOME TAX -- Our tax system in its present form needs a massive restructuring. Specifically, instead of being collected on April 15, it should be March 15. Beware the Ides of March!!
FAIR TAX -- A tax by its very definition is unfair. Who are you trying to fool?
DRILLING FOR OIL -- Since all our wars are over oil, we should not drill in our own country, as it would lead to a civil war.
THREE STRIKES LAWS -- We are opposed to the so-called “Three Strikes and You’re Out” laws. The politically incorrect party proposes they be replaced by the far more just “Three Downs and You Punt” laws.
GUN CONTROL -- We are in favor of gun control. Anyone who cannot shoot straight is useless and should be executed.
HATE CRIMES -- Instead of hate crimes, we propose tolerance crime legislation against those citizens who, in their desire to be politically correct, treat all behavior and viewpoints as equally valid.
DEATH PENALTY -- We believe the death penalty is a deterrent to crime--except for suicide, of course.
UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE -- We are opposed to universal healthcare, since the only people who need healthcare are on this planet.
EDUCATION -- The ‘No Child Left Behind’ act violates the soon-to-be-repealed Separation of Church and State, as the use of the words ‘Left Behind’ is a clear reference to the Tim Lahaye end times novel. We do appreciate Bush’s concern to make sure our children get raptured before the Great Tribulation, though.
RUSSIA/GEORGIA -- Russia symbolically attacked America when it invaded a country named after one of our fifty states. We must symbolically retaliate in return by bombing Moscow, Idaho.
PC COLLEGES -- Why do they teach kids 'diversity' at a place that is called a 'university'? No wonder a bachelors degree is useless in getting a job these days.
STIMULUS PACKAGE-- I have one, but only my wife receives it.
RACE CARD-- We don't play the race card--we play the entire deck!
GLOBAL WARMING -- We’re for it in the winter and against it in the summer.
ABORTION -- We support a woman’s right to choose; we just believe there should be a nine month waiting period.
CHURCH AND STATE -- We support the integration of church and state. The pope will be feared again!!
ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION -- We believe in taking away the incentives that encourage illegal immigration -- specifically, our good economy. We promise to wreck the economy so thoroughly that not only will Mexicans stop immigrating to America illegally, but Americans will start illegally immigrating to Mexico! It’s about time you got a taste of your own medicine, Mr. Calderon.
THE ENVIRONMENT -- Why do we have an Environmental Protection Agency? Why do we protect the very entity that has given us Hurricane Katrina, flooding in the Midwest, and the Indonesian Tsunami? Instead of protecting the environment from us, we need to start protecting us from the environment! When Katrina happened, everyone blamed Bush and FEMA, all the while ignoring the true enemy--Mother Nature. The environment is the greatest terrorist out there, and it is time we acknowledged it and stopped appeasing it. Instead, we need to go tit-for-tat with nature. For every Hurricane Ike the environment throws at us, we increase carbon emissions. If the Mother Nature floods the Midwest, we drill in Anwar. No more appeasement!
GAY MARRIAGE -- We are in favor of Gay Marriage -- if a homosexual man and a lesbian want to marry each other, who are we to deny them this right?
FLIP-FLOPPING -- We were against it yesterday but support it today.
WAGE LAWS -- We support maximum wage laws.
WAR -- We are pacifists, and we will declare war on any country that disagrees with us.
INCOME TAX -- Our tax system in its present form needs a massive restructuring. Specifically, instead of being collected on April 15, it should be March 15. Beware the Ides of March!!
FAIR TAX -- A tax by its very definition is unfair. Who are you trying to fool?
DRILLING FOR OIL -- Since all our wars are over oil, we should not drill in our own country, as it would lead to a civil war.
THREE STRIKES LAWS -- We are opposed to the so-called “Three Strikes and You’re Out” laws. The politically incorrect party proposes they be replaced by the far more just “Three Downs and You Punt” laws.
GUN CONTROL -- We are in favor of gun control. Anyone who cannot shoot straight is useless and should be executed.
HATE CRIMES -- Instead of hate crimes, we propose tolerance crime legislation against those citizens who, in their desire to be politically correct, treat all behavior and viewpoints as equally valid.
DEATH PENALTY -- We believe the death penalty is a deterrent to crime--except for suicide, of course.
UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE -- We are opposed to universal healthcare, since the only people who need healthcare are on this planet.
EDUCATION -- The ‘No Child Left Behind’ act violates the soon-to-be-repealed Separation of Church and State, as the use of the words ‘Left Behind’ is a clear reference to the Tim Lahaye end times novel. We do appreciate Bush’s concern to make sure our children get raptured before the Great Tribulation, though.
RUSSIA/GEORGIA -- Russia symbolically attacked America when it invaded a country named after one of our fifty states. We must symbolically retaliate in return by bombing Moscow, Idaho.
PC COLLEGES -- Why do they teach kids 'diversity' at a place that is called a 'university'? No wonder a bachelors degree is useless in getting a job these days.
STIMULUS PACKAGE-- I have one, but only my wife receives it.
RACE CARD-- We don't play the race card--we play the entire deck!
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