President Obama: US not at war with Islam, but...

During a speech in Istanbul last week, President Obama proclaimed to his Turkish audience that America is not now, nor will it ever be, at war with Islam.

After the cheers died down, President Obama then added: “But if we were, we’d nuke Mecca.”

The audience then spent the next ten minutes in stunned silence as President Obama supplemented this statement.

“Mecca is the Muslim holy city, and visiting it is one of Islam’s five pillars. With its annihilation, Islam would be a mere shell of its former self, containing a scant four pillars--unless Muslims wanted to visit a desolate, radioactive Meccan wasteland in a hazmat suit instead of in their beloved bhurkas.”

Not satisfied with merely offending the entire Muslim world, President Obama continued: “Nuking Mecca would be the equivalent for Islam of assassinating Pope Benedict XVI for Roman Catholics--with whom we are also not at war.”

President Obama then went on to explain why America was not at war with Islam by admitting that the United States is not a Christian nation.

The Christian community in America immediately responded with outrage.

“How can President Obama say we are not a Christian nation,” Pastor John Hagee of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas, fumed. “Has he not read Exodus 20, where Moses, on Mount Sinai, receives from the finger of God the Ten Amendments?”

President Obama, anticipating such a criticism, augmented his statement with these words: “We are not Crusaders in America, unjustly attacking Muslims because of their unprovoked conquest of the Christian city Constantinople in 1453. No, we are not a Christian nation--we’re a nation of Scientologists!”

The president then went on to explain how Scientologist beliefs undergirded America.

“Every American yearns to escape the cycle of birth and death; to transcend matter, energy, space, and time as the immortal thetan spirits.” The president then pulled out a handkerchief and wiped tears from his eyes as he continued. “I remember when I was a pre-clear, how my auditor helped free me of the numerous engrams from my prebirth. Now that I am an operating thetan, my desire is to see Muslims, Christians, Catholics, and Hindus cleared of all their engrams so they will not, at their deaths, end up on the landing station on Venus before their re-implantation.”

President Obama became very animated as his speech continued. “Yes, there are Muslims like Osama Bin Laden, who are no better than Xenu, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, who killed billions of people with a hydrogen bomb 75 million years ago--but we are not to impute the sins of Muslims like Bin Laden to the rest of the Islamic world.”

President Obama then concluded his speech with these words: “But if we did, we’d nuke Mecca.”