MI-6 Filled With Playboys, Audit Concludes

(From March 21st) MI-6 faces harsh scrutiny after a Parliamentary audit found that her majesty’s secret service has been living the high life on the taxpayer pound.

The audit, ordered on all government agencies by Prime Minister Gordon Brown, was an effort to streamline the budget in the wake of the economic downturn. A mere week after Brown gave the green light, the auditing committee uncovered many red flags in the MI-6 budget.

“It seems as though our British agents, who should be trying to keep a low profile, have instead been using taxpayer money to live out a playboy lifestyle,” a confidential source on the auditing committee disclosed.

The auditors listed several examples of extravagant spending by MI-6 agents.

--exotic hotels in extravagant locations.

--Numerous purchases of Dom Perignon champagne.

--Frequent consumption of Royal Baluga caviar.

--Designer suits and tuxedos.

“These receipts are an outrage!” a member of the House of Lords declared. “Our agents have a license to kill, and how are they supposed to do that in designer suits?! You can’t do hand-to-hand combat in a tuxedo!”

“When I was in the secret service, we were happy to get a glass of Korbel Brut on New Years,” Nigel Hoggenroth, member of the House of Commons, seethed.

The head of the secret service, known as ‘M’, was brought before the Parliament to answer for the outrageous spending of MI-6 agents.

“Our agents must often seduce women as a means of acquiring information on our targets,” she explained. “You try seducing a woman in a sweatshirt with a bottle of Korbel Brut.”

In response, the parliament pointed to allegations that MI-6 agents were far more concerned with seducing the above-mentioned beautiful women on the taxpayer tab than thwarting Britain’s enemies.

“Honey Rider, Pussy Galore, Xenia Onatopp, Octopussy--who names their daughter Octopussy?--the list goes on and on!” Lord Shaftsburry of the House of Lords bemoaned.

In response, M’s secretary Miss Moneypenny gave testimony that the British agents she has dealt with were, in her experience, very chaste.

In an extended speech, Lord Shaftsburry continued his critique of MI-6. “During the Cold War, our agents ignored the Soviet Union and its dreary locales, instead targeting the minor criminal organization SPECTRE in exotic locations. Now, as we face the threat of Islamic terrorists, our agents are once again asleep at the switch as they travel to the Bahamas and Czechloslovakia to stop a little-known criminal organization of QUANTUM. When are your agents going to get in the game, M?!”

In response, M pointed to her agency’s excellent track record, such as stopping a nuclear bomb from destroying Fort Knox, as well as thwarting billionaire industrialist Hugo Drax from annihilating all life on Earth to re-colonize it with a super race of humans.

The greatest anger came upon the testimony of Q, MI-6’s gadget expert. “Why is it necessary for our agents to be driving in an Astin Martin when they can drive a perfectly good Volkswagen?!” a member of the House of Commons demanded.

In response, Q announced that the design of the Astin Martin made it uniquely suitable for the amenities added to it. “You try to hook up Stinger Missiles and an ejector seat to a Volkswagon!”

Parliament also berated Q about the Astin Martin’s amenities, many of which they deemed outlandish and pointless. “An invisible Astin Martin?! A Lotus Espris that turns into a Submarine?! This is ridiculous! This is taxpayer money down the drain!”

In an unusual turn of events, the head of the investigation, a Ms. Rachel Greatlay, cleared MI-6 of all charges early Thursday morning. The only clue to this unprecedented and unexpected outcome was that she had been seen leaving a baccarat club the previous night with a man in a tuxedo who had been sipping a vodka martini.