(May 1)In an effort to stimulate the economy, President Obama has decided to expand the Iraqi and Afghanistani wars into Mexico.“We have learned the lessons of the Great Depression,” President Obama announced at a press conference commemorating his hundredth day in office. “It was World War II--with its wars in Japan, Europe, and Africa--that bolstered the US economy out of the Great Depression.
“Many have questioned whether the United States should continue its wars with Afghanistan and Iraq while our nation is strapped for cash, but all economists agree that is the exact opposite of what we must do. World War II involved wars on three fronts, and our current wars are only on two fronts--hence the recession.”
The President decided on Mexico because of the current swine flu epidemic which originated there, as well as the recent violence between the drug cartels. “My spiritual advisors have informed me that the Mexican Government formed the swine flu as a genocide program against blacks, and America will not sit still for this!”
The President pointed out that expanding wars create immediate access to jobs for Americans, relieving the country of the 8.5% unemployment rate. “It will take at least two million Americans to secure Mexico. That means two million new jobs for struggling Americans.”
The President announced that to achieve the two million number for the Mexican campaign, the draft would have to be reinstated. No one dared ask the question why, if Americans were so desperate for work, a draft was necessary.
The President also pointed out the career advancement opportunities that come with military action, as quite often those in higher positions can get killed by an improvised explosive device, leaving an opening for the soldier below.
“Wars also create jobs in the private sector, as companies are hired to build tanks, trucks, fighters, and other vehicles for our military to conquer.”
The president has also vowed that the federal government will mandate that these companies produce environmentally friendly vehicles.
“By lessening the thickness of the armor on our tanks, less fuel is needed, thus reducing greenhouse emissions,” The president explained. “By the sixth year of our impending Mexican quagmire, our tanks will run exclusively on ethanol! And by the anticipated end of the Mexican campaign, the US military will have been refitted to be the greenest on the planet.”
To pay for this massive spending project, the president announced a raise on the income tax of those making over $250,000 from his proposed forty percent to an astronomical eighty percent. “Nobody likes to pay taxes, but the rich need to pay their fair share. We need to spread the wealth around.”
Many fear that the Mexican campaign could last much longer than the President’s implied six years. “With the government’s current bailout mentality,” Rep. Ron Paul warns, “the President may continue indefinitely with these wars simply to justify the continued existence of the military jobs it produces, as well as the private sector jobs that produce our military vehicles.”
65% of Americans approve of the President's plan to invade Mexico.
"President Bush spread democracy throughout the Middle East," Dave Nabors, a retired auto mechanic replied. "Now President Obama will spread hope and change throughout North America."
"With our economy the way it is, the President can't just sit around and do nothing," Maggie Roberts added.
When asked what he would do if the Mexican campaign could not stimulate the US economy out of its current recession, President Obama responded: "Invade Canada."
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