(February 17) It is a notorious fact that members in the House of Representatives did not receive a copy of the over 1,000 page stimulus bill until midnight, Thursday February 12th, to be voted on the next morning at 9AM. To read such a bill, congressmen would have needed to cover 650 words a minute for the entire nine hours between when they received it and when they voted on it. Consequently, no one actually read the stimulus bill by the time of the vote.
With the passing of the weekend, though, Congressmen and their aides have perused the bill, with many startling discoveries uncovered. For example:
--Nearly $200 million dollars will be used to build a giant money bin in which to store the rest of the $788.8 billion dollars.
“It appears that president Obama wants to use the money bin as his own swimming pool, much like Scrooge McDuck,” an insider in the Obama administration disclosed.
--$900 million dollars to subsidize a new edition of President Obama’s bestseller “The Audacity of Hope”.
This new edition will be the centerpiece of the President’s education reform, as every school child will be required to read and take a class on this book. “The new edition will be historic,” the President’s publisher announced. “It will be a leather-bound edition, with gold edges to the pages, along with chapter and verses to each section. Most importantly, the words of the president will be in red ink.”
As schools have time limits in which to cover all the educational topics, the President’s book will displace the teaching of the Declaration of Independence and the American Constitution. “We just won’t have time to cover those archaic documents,” one civil government professor admitted.
--1.2 Billion dollars to change the name of our country from ‘The United States of America’ to ‘The United States of Obamerica’. “At first glance it seems like changing the name of a country shouldn’t be this expensive,” Economics professor J.P. Maynard explained, “but when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. You have to re-edit all the bills in circulation, and you have to re-make all the maps and globes.”
When asked about this part of the stimulus, the President defended its inclusion. “My ego has nothing to do with this section of the bill,” the president announced. “This is about job creation. Editing the currency, maps, and globes will create thousands of new jobs for our citizens.”
The president then scoffed at a reporter who questioned him on why the 1.2 Billion wasn't used for more productive purposes. "They're producing money with the money," President Obama announced. "Everyone knows that you have to spend money to make money."
Accountants have confirmed that it will cost the government $3 of the old money for every $1 of the new money produced.
--Finally, 340 billion dollars to make Iraq the fifty-first state of Obamerica.
“People are tired of foreign wars, they’re tired of relying on foreign oil, so the obvious solution is to make Iraq a part of the US,” Sociologist Edgar Marcusio clarified.
The foundation has already been laid for Obamericanizing Iraq--the new state has been given its own professional football and baseball team.
“Baseball especially has helped to Obamericanize Iraq,” an article on ESPN.com explained, “as can be seen by the rampant use of anabolic steroids among the players.”
The football team has lagged behind in the Obamericanization process, though. A scrimmage game between the Cleveland Browns and the Bagdad Baathists was cancelled when it was discovered that the football was actually an I.E.D. (Improvised Explosive Device). After an investigation of the incident, the presence of the I.E.D. turned out to be a simple misunderstanding of the game’s rules on the part of the Bagdad Baathists.
“I’m glad the game was cancelled,” Baathist head Coach Ali Khattab announced. “If the I.E.D. had exploded, that would have been a ‘roughing the passer’ penalty, and we would have lost at least fifteen yards.”
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