(From March 31) In an effort to reduce the greenhouse gas CO2, the main culprit in global warming, President Obama announced today that he would be setting up a cap and trade on breathing."Scientists have demonstrated the disastrous effects that carbon dioxide produces on the Earth's temperature, and we must seek out every way to reduce the emission of CO2, including breathing," the President announced without removing his eyes from his teleprompter.
The Environmental Protection Agency recently denounced the human lung as a greenhouse gas producing super-smokestack because of its ability to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.
"We shouldn't be talking about carbon footprints,” Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa Jackson replied, “We should be talking about carbon breathprints.”
Vice President Joe Biden added that the negative effects of the carbon emissions of our lungs are worse than secondhand smoke.
The White House announced today that starting on March 18, 2010, Americans will need emissions permits for every ton of CO2 their lungs release into the atmosphere, with an enforceable limit to the amount of breathing each American can do.
“Obviously athletes emit more greenhouse gases than your run-of-the-mill couch potato,” President Obama explained. “That’s where the cap and trade aspect comes into play. The couch potato can sell his extra permits so the athlete can continue in his profession.”
Hours after the speech, protesters at UCLA picketed a track and field event, angrily yelling that the athletes were destructive polluters of the environment. The picket came to a sudden halt when one of the athletes pointed out the amount of greenhouse emissions the protestors were releasing by their tirade.
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