Global Warming an Unstoppable Juggernaut, Scientists Warn

(From February 10th) Scientists for the U.N. Committee on Global Climate Change warn that the time for halting global warming has passed."

We had our chance, but now it is too late," Dr. Nasaki, chairman of the committee, announced yesterday. "We are on the precipice of massive global warming, and we're about to go over."

The committee warns that in the coming months, temperatures could spike upward as much as forty degrees."

The effects on our ecological system will be unprecedented," Nasaki proclaimed. "Where our grounds are currently covered in snow, it will be melted. Where our trees are presently bare, they will be covered in leaves."

Nasaki also warned that the days will get longer, and mosquitos will be rampant in many areas."

The economic consequences will be devastating as well," Economist Luther Von Miser predicted. "The clothing industry will need to make rapid adjustments to the increased demand for short-sleaved shirts and shorts. Also, with the loss of snow, the skiing industry will grind to a halt."

President Obama took the committee's report as another reason why the United States needs to sign the Kyoto Accords.

"This report demands that we take urgent and drastic action," the President proclaimed.

Republicans came out united in their opposition to the President's proclamation.

Upon hearing of their opposition, Obama responded: "The Republicans forget that my presidency is historic! Do they really want to be known as the party that stood united against America's first black president?"

Upon hearing the president's response, the Republicans caved in their opposition.

When asked how bad the climate could get, Dr. Nasaki warned that the Northeastern United States could expect to see temperatures of 90 degrees as early as June or July.