IRAQ BEGINS WMD PROGRAM

(From February 22nd) The democratically elected Iraqi parliament shocked Western officials today by voting to initiate a weapons of mass destruction program. The program, which will include chemical weapons such as anthrax and mustard gas, as well as a nuclear program similar to that of Iran, was unanimously approved in a ceremony in Saddam Hussein’s former palace.

Both President Obama and the UN immediately responded by vociferously condemning the program. “The parliament brought neither hope nor change to Iraq with this vote today,” President Obama scolded.

The United Nations, for its part, responded by immediately passing a resolution against Iraq that it had absolutely no intention of ever enforcing.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki remained defiant. “What is the US going to do to stop us? Occupy our country?” Later that day, al-Maliki accused the US of hypocrisy. “The US has WMDs. They have nukes. Are they the only country that is allowed to defend itself? Are the Iraqis merely to throw shoes at our enemies?”

In response, President Obama reminded al-Maliki that the United States was the self-appointed policeman of the world. “If Iraq thinks its weapons will give them permission to intervene in the affairs of other nations, the US will intervene in their nation to correct that misunderstanding.”

Former President Bush, who is believed to be in hiding in the Afghan/Pakistan border, produced a video in which he used this incident to vindicate his original invasion of Iraq in 2003.

“Our aim was to disarm Iraq of WMDs,” Bush announced in the video, “and everyone got upset because we found no actual stockpiles. But they had forgotten that Iraq was a pre-emptive war. The program the parliament voted on today contains the weapons we were pre-emptively trying to disarm Iraq from constructing.”

Bush also confirmed that his purported mishandling of Hurricane Katrina was really a pre-emptive deterrent to the South for an anticipated future rebellion. “When the United States doesn’t devolve into a civil war in 2014, you remember to thank Dubya.”