With all the attention focused on the auto bailout in Washington, many in the press have overlooked the fact that Saint Nick himself has approached Congress for a bailout.
His economic troubles stem from a toy shop built during the Carter administration that lacks the capacity to produce high tech toys like an X-Box or cell phone. These troubles have recently been compounded due to a monthlong strike in August that led to a substantial increase in the salaries of the recently-unionized elves.
Santa came to speak before congress last Tuesday for a $33 billion dollar bailout, but Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D. Cal), refused to let him speak when it was discovered that he flew into D.C. on his own private sleigh. Many worry that if Santa receives the $33 billion, Christmas will never be the same.
When Santa was finally allowed to speak on Wednesday, congressmen attacked Santa for his naughty and nice list.
“Why do you never bring presents to Jewish or Muslim children?” Demanded Senator Harry Reid (D. Nev). “Are you saying that a child who is either Jewish or Muslim is by definition naughty?”
Meanwhile 9th Grader Maxwell Sanders, a child who made the naughty list last year, accused Santa of being a hererosexist. “I faithfully made the nice list every year until last year: the year I came out of the closet!”
Santa replied that he was under no obligation to bring any child toys for Christmas--to many boo’s from those listening--and he then went on to humiliate Sanders by describing in graphic detail every thought and action that had landed him on the naughty list. After hearing this tirade, one Senator was overheard whispering that it seemed like socks would be a good Christmas present for the young Sanders boy.
Finally, even Congressional Republicans made Santa feel the heat. “He knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake,” one congressman snarled, repeating the familiar Christmas tune. “What is he, some sort of sadistic stalker? With lyrics like that, you’d think he worked for Homeland Security under the provisions of the Patriot Act.”
He then continued with the lyrics: “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout I‘m telling you why; Santa Claus is coming to town--if this isn’t a clear threat on the citizens of the United States, I don’t know what is.”
He then accused Santa of using his North Pole toy factory to build weapons of mass destruction. He pointed to the fact that Santa had imported weapons grade plutonium from Russia, to which Santa replied that he was only seeking to build a Nuclear Power Reactor for his toy factory. Outgoing president George Bush acknowledged the unionization of the elves as evidence that the North Pole needed to be liberated. With democratic Iraq no longer a member of the Axis of Evil, he announced that the North Pole will take its place alongside fellow Axis members Iran and North Korea.
Even with these innumerable concerns, many remain optimistic that Santa will get the bailout. He’s simply too big to fail.
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